1 mad smilie- Almost tolerable
2 mad smilies- As annoying as a fiberglass enema
3 mad smilies- Will require therapy after playing
4 mad smilies- As good as getting bitten in the ear by Mike Tyson
5 mad smilies- A complete abomination of human endeavor
6 mad smilies- Proof that Jesus died in vain
Note: I'll only use the 6-smilie rank in the rarest instance possible.
To start this off, I'm going to do a rating of a random game. Let's see...
Pokemon Stadium
Nintendo 64
If any of you have played a single Pokemon game, you know that these acid-produced hallucinations are a complete insult to RPG games everywhere. It's clear that since all the money made from Pokemon comes from the loads of Pokemon merchandise which can be found plaguing Toys 'R' Us locations around the globe, the creators of Pokemon don't really have to put that much effort into their games. It's clear that this game is just an advertising from Pokemon cards, movies, pillows, figurines, the TV Show, decorations, ballons, toys, costumes, and other assorted drivel spewed to us by Nintendo executives who have since taken to lighting their cigarettes with $100 bills.
The only difference between this and any other mundane Pokemon game is that since it came out on the Nintendo 64, the battles are 3-D and therefore "cooler" than the Game Boy. It's the same old crap anyway. Monster A comes out ball. Monster B comes out ball. Monsters exchange really lame attacks with even lamer effects. Monster A or B dies. (Oh, I'm sorry. Pokemon is "non-violent". The monsters "faint".) Monster C covers for Monster A or B until all monsters have been released and die. If you think of this game as "cool", I can suggest about 20 different RPGs to introduce you to that will completely change your mind.
Never mind that this all plays out like a fight between stuffed animals, there is one factor of the game that tops off all the previous defects. (And believe me, they are defects.) That lame announcer guy. Every time you do something (and even when you don't) that guy points out the obvious while using a voice that sounds too horrible for words to describe. It makes you want to not only turn on the mute button, but cutting your ears of with a chain saw you that you may never hear again. For argument's sake, here are sounds I'd rather hear than the announcer:
1. Robert Goulet singing "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida".
2. An old lady with a voice box attempting to sing N'Sync's "Bye Bye Bye"
3. Melanie Griffith reciting Shakespeare.
4. Donkeys having sex through a microphone.
That's just an example of the reviews I can give you. Anyway, all you have to do is ask for a review and I'll write it out. You can even write your own reviews in here for fun. Let's keep those reviews coming.
