The REAL worst reviews

[Inferno Dragon]

I knew Ninja Gaiden existed, but I was never really into it. But still, I later thought it looked cool. After I saw that the game's hero, Ryu Hayabusa, eventually went to the DOA series, I decided to check it out, being a DOA fan. After playing this horrible, contrived piece of pig slop, I'm suprised Tecmo actually made a sequel(or that the sequel was actually GOOD) for this piece of trash.

STORY: 2(out of 10)
Unlike the other Ninja Gaiden games, this one has little story. Ryu goes to avenge his father's death, but then, after that, when you complete a level, you get a 5-second cut-scene that advances the plot, unlike the others, which have cutscenes that actually advance the plot in the game, and make you feel like you're following a story. In this, however, it feels more like a weak excuse to change the level for the game.

GRAPHICS: 4
The graphics are very mixed. While the background graphics look okay, they're really repetitive, making you feel like you're going through the same scene over and over again. The character sprites, however, are pretty bad. They look horrible, especially Ryu, who is really weird looking in this. He doesn't look as detailed as in the other two titles.

MUSIC/SOUND: 1
The tracks in these are very forgettable. The music felt like it was the same track over and over to me. Nothing special at all for this one. In fact, the music for this game is so annoying, you will probably want to press the mute button so you won't want to have to listen to the ''music'' that's being played in this.

CHALLENGE: 100
The game is IMPOSSIBLE to beat, as this title has horrible, unforgiving, and uneven difficulty. One big problem is enemies will constantly attack you. Now, if you run back to avoid them, and then run up to them and hit them, you will be in for a shock. When you run up to where that enemy first appeared, guess what? That same enemy will have reappeared in the area! This can be a major pain at some points, especially since that stupid sword of yours barely has any reach. But that is not my real gripe with this horrible game. My real gripe is this: The first level is fairly easy, but then, you have to constantly jump onto tiny platforms occupied by another enemy in the future levels, and this is frusturating(apparently, the guys who made Star Wars: Jedi Power Battles must have been fans of this one). Even worse, if Ryu gets hit, he will get knocked back, and while not recover until he lands. Since you're constantly jumping from those tiny platforms, odds are very good that you'll be knocked into a pit and lose a life. Now imagine this happening to you 100 times. Does it hurt yet? Do you feel like smashing in your NES with a baseball bat?

REPLAY: 1
Since you waste all/most of your lives by being knocked into a pit, there's very little replay for this shoddy game. Of course, if you want to keep continuing, be my guest. Just remember, it's your fault you'll continue to scream curse words towards the TV.

FUN FACTOR: 1
How fun is it when you keep having to jump onto tiny platforms, but wind up getting killed 99% of the time? Not very fun, huh? Didn't think so.

BUY, RENT, OR AVOID
AVOID, AVOID, AVOID!!!! This is a horrible video game, one of the worst ever made, and all the copies of this should be grouped up and tossed into a huge fire. If you really want a Ninja Gaiden game that badly, play the 2nd one or wait for the XBOX game.

honestly Ninja Gaiden was and still is one of the best NES games and very challenging but if you can beat it then you feel a great sense of accomplishment for doing so. obviously this person is too young to have owned a NES. I remember that it was like 1990 when I origonally beat the first Ninja Gaiden and it was one of my greatest moments in my long gaming career.I was 5 when I beat it BTW.

[Sim Kid]

Near the end, the guy sorta rants a bit too much about how he hates the game.

[Codiekitty]

5 second cutscenes? WTF? On average they lasted two minutes. Who wrote that, an Xbox fanboy GameFAQer?


Where are these lemmings going? The Super Nintendo Super Shire! Hop in line and follow them there!

[ May 02, 2005, 09:43 PM: Message edited by: CodieKitty ]

[Inferno Dragon]

obviously it was some snot nosed little brat DOA fanboy GameFAQer who was born too late to enjoy the NES and thus feels the need to rant about classic games.

[Galefore]

STORYLINE
Released in late 2001, Jak & Daxter: The Precursor Legacy released with widespread acclaim, yet there was one problem: it simply didn't sell well in a market then-dictated by controversy over titles like Grand Theft Auto III. Two years later Naughty Dog released a clearly superior sequel, simply named Jak II. Noticeably darker than the original, the sequel obviously borrows elements from the game it was bested by two years ago. However while the improvements are a great addition to a great game series, the darker mood is of a tone that most parents may want to think twice about their children's involvement.

Scoring Note: Each category can earn up to 20 points. The higher the score the more appropriate the game is for family. Please see our grading key to see how these categories break down.

Violence Score: 13 out of 20
Killing Non-Human, Fictional Beings (-7 pts)

The most noticeable addition to the Jak II world is Haven City, a large (and I do mean LARGE) and bustling city that the game takes place in. It is filled to the brim with non-player characters that are simply walking about aimlessly. These characters can be shot, punched, and run over at the players whim, although there is no reward for doing so and characters die in a puff of colored smoke. However if Jak violently comes into contact with the various Krimson Guard patrols that are scouting the city (either by hitting them in a vehicle or punching them), a siren goes off and they proceed to hunt Jak down. Despite all this there is not a drop of blood in the game, nor is there any gore of a humanoid variety.

Language: 9 out of 20
Swear Words Acceptable for Prime Time TV are used throughout the game (-7 pts)
Sexual Jokes are made once or twice. (-4 pts)

This is perhaps the most disturbing part of this sequel. Most of the main characters swear, and do so freely. While certainly not as much as some prime-time TV shows, it surprised this reviewer at first when Jak (no longer a mute) spouted off that he wanted to know “where the h***” he was. Also, the words pi**, cr*p, a**, and d*mn make appearances. During a rather difficult part of the game, it was very embarrassing to keep repeating a scene that included a character loudly shouting “cover your head? More like cover your a**!!”

In addition to the language, there are a few sexually oriented jokes in the game. There is a joke about a half-parrot/monkey character named Pecker (which Jak and Daxter do comment on), and Daxter also makes a few lewd references towards one of the female characters in the game and pays special attention to her cleavage. The two heroes also find themselves ogling over the silhouette of an attractive female mechanic as she works behind a curtain.

Nudity/Sexual Content: 17 out of 20
Characters clothing is sexy or accentuates their sexuality (Ex. tight clothing or low cleavage) (-3 pts)

A few of the characters wear low cut tops, and Daxter's romantic interest is often shown in a camera angle that prominently displays her cleavage. One of the tougher female characters in the game is garbed in very tight and low-cut clothing. While not noticeable, there are burlesque posters of a revealing woman spread across the seedier areas of town and are also found in a bar in the game.

Occult/Supernatural: 17 out of 20
Fairy tale type magic is used in game by player. (-3 pts)

A mystical swami-like character is present in the game, and while her “magic” is of a nature that is greatly humorous, this may offend some players that have a distaste for anything bearing resemblance to magic. There are also a few references to a zen-like form of meditation. There is a talking statue of an ancient benevolent creature (called the Oracle) that grants Jak powers for collecting orbs. Both of these are present in the original, and references to them are far less more obvious than they were in the first game. Jak, when pumped full of Dark Ico, can unleash a Hyde-like beast within himself but the principles behind this are more scientific than magical.

Cultural/Moral/Ethical: 14 out of 20
Game portrays rebellion against established cultural norms. (-3 pts)
A few instances of gross humor are in the game. (-3 pts)

A large part of the plot revolves around overthrowing the corrupt government of Haven City, but many of the things the player is required to do are less than ethical. For example, car-jacking is often the only means of acquiring transportation, and unless a patrol unit gets snatched the act always goes unnoticed.

The humor sometimes takes a crass turn, and there are a few instances of crotch-hitting humor. In one scene Daxter also gets drunk and very obviously makes a fool out of himself.

Conclusion:
Honestly, I had a blast with this game. The original was one of my favorite games of 2001, and the sequel surpasses the original in every way. The mission based gameplay is the best addition by far, yet the darker tone bothered me a great deal. The game isn't as violent and crass as the Grand Theft Auto series, but it's not as light or cartoon-like as The Simpsons: Hit & Run. In lieu of this, Jak II receives a 70 (C-) because of unnecessary and crude language, a few sexual jokes, and above average levels of cartoon violence.

Game Summary:
Fire Emblem is a strategy role playing game in the vein of the old Shining Force games (or Final Fantasy Tactics for younger gamers). The game plays out on medieval battlefields (called chapters). Each battle allows only a certain number of players from your side. Every member of your team gets a turn, and then the entire enemy team gets a turn. One unique aspect of Fire Emblem is if any member of your team dies in battle, they are gone for the rest of the game (with the exception of the game tutorial, a.k.a. first ten chapters). The game has three main characters (two lords, and a lady); if any of them die in battle you go back to your last game save. The game employs a triangle of weapons system. This is swords are stronger against axes, axes are strong against lances, and lances are strong against swords. The magic system employs a similar triangle. Anima magic is strong against light magic, light magic is strong against dark magic, and dark magic is strong against anima magic. Fire Emblem also only allows you to buy more, or better gear from shops while fighting. Just like every other strategy RPG out there, Fire Emblem employs a varying degree of fights. Fog of war is present, keep someone alive for so many turns, defeat all the enemies, and defeat the boss are all present and accounted for.

Scoring Note: Each category can earn up to 20 points. The higher the score the more appropriate the game is for family. Please see our grading key to see how these categories break down.

Violence Score: 14 out of 20
RPG Violence (-6 points)

You command a unit to attack an enemy unit. A screen comes up that shows the attack.

Language: 20 out of 20
There is no foul language in this game that we know of..

Nudity/Sexual Content: 17 out of 20
Characters clothing is sexy or accentuates their sexuality(Ex. tight clothing or low cleavage)(-3points).

A couple of the female characters wear tight fitting clothing, and extremely short skirts.

Occult/Supernatural: 7 out of 20
Fairy tale type magic is used in game by player.(-3 points)
Occult magic is used by the player.(-10 points)

The main enemy of the game has people sacrificed so he can steal their quintessence (souls). These sacrifices give him more power. Two of the characters you control shape shift from dragons to humans, and back again. One of your characters who was killed is resurrected by a mysterious magical character. Near the end of the game, the main good character goes to an altar to summon his dead ancestor. This dead ancestor then gives him a weapon that has been charged by his soul, and will bond with him. It is a minor part of the game.

Cultural/Moral/Ethical: 20 out of 20
Cultural, moral and ethical values do not play a negative role in this game.

There is a separated married couple in the game. They realize how selfish they are being, and decide to try and work things out. The game shows how they are damaging their children with their selfishness. The main evil character who is steeped in the occult is shown as all consumed with evil. This consumption with evil leads to his demise.

Conclusion:
Fire Emblem is a game that I barely recommend. There are worrisome aspects of the game, but there is also some good in the game. It really sets itself apart from other strategy RPG games out there by once a character dies, they are gone. I am bothered by the occult in the game that feels "thrown in" near the end. Talking with dead ancestors was also something that bothered me, and quite honestly I saw no reason for it. Humans changing shape to dragons, and back also seemed thrown in for little to no reason. I give it a 78 (C+) for mild violence, mild sexual content, and occult references.

I found a whole site called Al Mencoti Ministries filled with reviews like this, in which they rant about the game's occult mgic, violence, etc. They Gave Fire Emblem a non-recomendation because of occult magic! WHAT IS THEIR PROBLEM!!! KIDS PLAY THE GAMES, AND IF THEY DON'T ACTUALLY JOIN THE OCCULT, THEY'RE FINE!!! AND I'VE YET TO SEE A KID DRESS LIKE JAK AND KILL SOMEONE! *Sigh* stupid overly-religious reviews. I mean, I AM Christian, but this is too much!

And where did he see characters shapeshifting from dragons to humans? Sacred stones has that, but not the original American release. He must have been talking about the wyvern riders, but whoever he is, he's clearly blind.

[ May 10, 2005, 11:47 AM: Message edited by: Galefore:FF9 Obsessed. ]

[Inferno Dragon]

^actually I think he meant the final boss of fire emblem on normal and hard mode which is a wizard who changes into a dragon for his final form.

[Gumby dammit]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but is this the only game they gave a 100 to?

Game Summary:
For basketball players who think that gravity just holds you down and the laws of physics are more like "guidelines" than actual laws, then this game is for you. NBA Street vol. 3 is one of those rare sequels that get better with age. Graphics, game play and maneuvers that made NBA Street stand out from the rest of the street-style basketball games have made dramatic improvements with each iteration. The R3 stick gets a great workout in this game. Each 45-degree motion is a different trick, and when combined with the any of the shoulder buttons that are used for turbo, you can get up to 32 different trick dribbles or slam-dunks. Player models are enhanced. More NBA Legends are unlockable and there is a new Create-a-court feature, where you can call your scrappy 90-foot piece of concrete your own. You can also create your own player with an impressive create-a-player feature and build his "street rep" from the ground up. There is also a Slam Dunk contest game that is included.

Scoring Note: Each category can earn up to 20 points. The higher the score the more appropriate the game is for family. Please see our grading key to see how these categories break down.

Violence Score: 20 out of 20
There is no violence in this game. There is some pushing and shoving down in the paint, but no blood, no foul, right?

Language: 20 out of 20
There are no language issues in this game. There are some music tracks that are played throughout the game where swear words are blanked out, so it doesn’t take too much to figure out what words are used. I didn’t take off points for the inference of the swear words, however. You can go under the options menu and turn off all music if you like, especially if hip-hop isn’t exactly your favorite genre of music.

Nudity/Sexual Content: 20 out of 20
There are no sexual innuendoes or nudity in this game.

Cultural/Moral/Ethical: 20 out of 20
There is nothing offensive in this category.

Conclusion:
The NBA Street has really caught the flavor of streetball, which is a lot of trash talking, music, and unbelievable moves. Even playing streetball in my youth, in my own neighborhood, everyone had a rep: the passer, the trickster, the thug. And it was always better to look good and lose, than to look bad and win. This game gets a 100 (A). There is nothing offensive in this game and I would recommend it to all parents.

[The Yoshimaster]

^So, basically, if the game had absolutely no content (you got a white screen from beginnning to end), it would get a 100 on that site?

[superplyr10]

^basically, yes. I'm just guessing, but a game like GTA 3 would prabably get an F-- on that site. They aren't actual reviews. BTW, what site is that?

[Gumby dammit]

^ Al Menconi Reviews.

... and their GTA 3 review.

STORYLINE
You were a member of a regular gang but were betrayed by one of the members, shot, and left for dead. Now, as you are being transported in a prison van, the vehicle is sabotaged and you and a fellow inmate are freed (all this information appears in the video at the beginning of the game). Now you must drive yourself and your friend to a safe house located in the Red Light District in Liberty City (where everything happens in this game). Upon arriving at the safe house, you drive over to meet a Mafia man named Luigi, who will identify your first paying job, which is to pick up a prostitute named Misty and bring her back to his place.

Luigi is your only employer at the very beginning of the game, but as you complete further missions, you will be hired by other mob bosses, engage in the occasional street race, and work for a host of other people, including a former police officer, a rich Chinese woman, and a Jamaican gangster. These missions range from escorting women to assassinating gang leaders. Generally speaking, most of them direct you either to kill people or blow something up, but with the kind of clientele you work for, what do you expect? In order to complete these missions, you must fulfill certain objectives. For example, in one of the missions you must acquire a gun (displayed on the road map in the bottom left part of the screen), which you can either walk to or drive to, and then kill a pimp (located on same map) with it. Upon completing your objectives, you get paid for a job well done. Besides performing missions for employers, you can also steal a taxi driver's vehicle and become a taxi driver, steal an ambulance and rescue people, or steal a cop car and pursue vigilante missions against criminals. Rather than progressing the story, these are simply moneymaking ventures.

Besides valuing the beautiful graphics and distinct sound, players enjoy the options of both driving cars and walking on foot in Liberty City. They can even drive a boat on a few of the missions. You can steal a variety of cars, from a huge 18-wheeler to a fast sports car. Many of the missions actually require you to use a vehicle (speed is time), so you need to be proficient at driving in order to conclude many of the missions successfully. You must also own a variety of guns, but the only one you can actually use for drive-by shootings is the Uzi. Other weapons include a bat, a pistol, a submachine gun, an assault rifle, a grenade, a missile launcher, and a sniper rifle.

It doesn't matter whether or not you want to be a "good" guy in this game. Even though you can select which missions to play, only certain ones will progress the game towards the end. You can't expect to be a paramedic all game long because it will not progress the game's story line and isn't much "fun." As you participate in the moneymaking missions, you must kill people, even if they aren't attacking you. Some people will shoot at you first, but they are in the minority. Besides just killing people to satisfy certain missions, you can also go on a rampage through the streets, killing innocent bystanders. The more people you kill, especially cops, the more the police will pursue you. This is indicated by the six-star system on your screen. At zero, no cops are after you. At six, the National Guard and every cop in the country is out to stop you. You acquire these stars by killing people and cops, but I wouldn't suggest taking this path because you will likely be busted or killed.

There really is no point to winning this game. Accomplishing the missions gives you money, which you can only use either on guns or prostitutes.

One interesting aspect of this game arises regularly: in a vehicle you can play different radio stations offering rap songs, classical music, ridiculous chat, etc. Some, contain semi-offensive dialogue.

VIOLENCE
As you can probably imagine, violence dominates this game. Although you can't blow people's bodies apart, you can shoot them, beat them, or run over them with a vehicle. Once you kill someone, a pool of blood oozes from his or her body. You can shoot or hit the body more if you aren't satisfied, drawing additional blood. When you shoot someone in the neck, blood spews out, whereas when you shoot him in the arm, only a small amount appears.

ILLEGAL/HARMFUL MATERIAL
You are hired to steal, kill, blow things up, etc. What could be wrong with that? Everything. For starters, in order to get a car, you must steal one. If someone honks when you cut in front of him, your character will sometimes flick the finger. When you go on murderous rampages, you are never punished for killing bystanders. In fact, at times when you kill a person, money pops up around the dead body, so it is actually rewarding in this game to kill people.

LANGUAGE
As in most gangster type movies, Grand Theft Auto III contains an abundance of foul language. Some of the mob leaders use profanities in their regular conversations. The most prominent form of profanity takes the Lord's name in vain. A pedestrian may utter it when you steal the car, and a gang member may use it as a normal part of his conversation.

NUDITY/SEXUAL CONTENT
There is no nudity in this game; however, sexual content abounds. Several of the female characters offer sexually oriented comments to each other or to men. For example, a prostitute named Misty asks a mob leader named Joey if she can play with his bigger end. If you are ever running low on health, you can pick up a prostitute. She will charge by the minute; once you stop somewhere, the car will start rocking. After a time, you regain full health, and she will get out and leave.

OCCULT/SUPERNATURAL
There is no occult/supernatural content in this game.

CONCLUSION
Grand Theft Auto 3 is one of the most "mature" games on the market. Unfortunately, it is also incredibly popular because many people find the ability to drive/walk on missions and do whatever they want very appealing.

Grand Theft Auto 3 gets a 30% (F-) [See Rating Definitions] for senseless mayhem, excessive blood, profanity, sexual comments, and implied sexual actions.

I thought this one was pretty bad too.

STORYLINE
Starting with a video sequence of Bob the Tomato, Larry the Cucumber, and Junior Asparagus taking a canoe trip to Veggie Island, your party lands and promptly loses the canoe. So after Junior strives to win his three merit badges for his Cub Sprout uniform, he must find a way to rescue his group and get a boat ride back to civilization. The more badges and quests Junior accomplishes, the more of the Island gets revealed for him to find a buried treasure and help all the other veggies and animals out of their predicament.

Move your mouse around each scene and click on highlighted items to animate them and find songs and map pieces. Collect other useful objects (like a flint, a rope, keys and the treasure map pieces) in your backpack. You keep gathering and piecing together a map of the island to figure out where you are and where you need to go.

You need to finish to find a long lost treasure in order to bribe the selfish Mr. Nezzer to use his boat to get you off of the island. Any time you want to check the map or backpack contents, or stop playing, simply move the hand cursor down to the bottom of the screen to make controls appear. The cursor hand turns gold when you are over something interesting, which helps kids figure out what to do next.

VIOLENCE
Junior enjoys such exciting adventures as rock climbing, tree scaling, chasing rabbits, and cave exploring without ever pulling a gun and splattering blood on the wall. Even the most protective parent will not find any objectionable hint of violence in the game.

ILLEGAL/HARMFUL MATERIAL
There is no illegal/harmful material in this game.

LANGUAGE
There is no foul language in this game.

NUDITY/SEXUAL CONTENT
There is no nudity/sexual content in this game.

OCCULT/SUPERNATURAL
None.

CONCLUSION
The Mystery of Veggie Island is an excellent game for young kids, supplying them with the thrill of action and mental challenge without lapsing into violence to heighten the thrill. Sproutmaster Bob says that "God wants us to help others even if they don't deserve it." This game promotes good values in a context that is easy for kids to remember.

My 5-year-old son was enraptured with the game except for brief periods when the puzzles were too difficult to figure out without some parental encouragement. The activities are enthralling for the target age group, and there is a whole island of them to explore. Though moving between scenes is slow, the graphics are great and worth the wait. Without a doubt we will be seeing more games featuring this product.

The Mystery of Veggie Island receives a 93 (A) [See Rating Definitions].

[ May 16, 2005, 05:20 PM: Message edited by: 10th Star ]

[Codiekitty]

Should probably call it Joe Lieberman Ministries.


Where are these lemmings going? The Super Nintendo Super Shire! Hop in line and follow them there!

[The Yoshimaster]

My 5-year-old son was enraptured with the game except for brief periods when the puzzles were too difficult to figure out without some parental encouragement.

This part made me laugh for some reason.

[Inferno Dragon]

I hope these guys have actually read every word of the bible because there are things in there that would probably make them wet their pants. It's overflowing with violence, sex and alot of stuff I can't mention here and they have the nerve to criticize videogames about their violence levels. what hippocrits these fools be.

[superplyr10]

It says at the top next to the logo "Helping parents communicate values to their children." If you need this website to know what kinds of games are appropriate for children, and you can't see the rating at the bottom of the box, your beyond help.

[superplyr10]

Speaking of beyond help: God of War

Game Summary:
God of War is the story of Kratos, a Spartan warrior driven mad by the acts that he's committed in the name of Ares, the Greek god of war. Kratos seeks forgiveness of the acts he committed during his time in Ares' service, and is charged by the gods to become their champion. For ten years, he does so, and is promised retribution with one final act: to liberate the city of Athens from Ares - and to slay the god himself. To accomplish this, he must perform various tasks of Herculean effort... though not all of them are meritorious. Because of this, helping Kratos enforce the convictions of the gods may find some players going against their own.

Scoring Note: Each category can earn up to 20 points. The higher the score the more appropriate the game is for family. Please see our grading key to see how these categories break down.

Violence Score: 0 out of 20
People killing people in cold-blooded murder. (-10 pts)
Blood sprays on the wall and everywhere else (-5 pts)
Gruesome details (-5 pts)

This is quite possibly the most brutal game that this reviewer has seen in his life. While not quite as nauseating as titles like Manhunt, God of War still manages to fill its own share of buckets of the red stuff. Kratos is a powerhouse, as is depicted by his ability to completely render some foes asunder either using his bare hands, or the blades that he swings via chains that are seared to his flesh. Some of the acts of violence include (but are not limited to):

- Ripping the heads off of gorgons
- Tearing undead soldiers completely in half
- Splitting the head of a minotaur in half by shoving a blade through its mouth
- Breaking the back of a siren and snapping her in half like a twig
- Standing on the back of a harpy and ripping its wings off
- Cutting the legs out from under a centaur and then slitting its throat
- Various other forms of decapitating, eviscerating, and amputating limbs of enemies.

It also goes without saying that the most horrendous forms of any type violence are those being committed towards the innocent. God of War contains a few cut scenes of innocent people being slaughtered that sometimes include women and children. However, each time the game depicts this, it is treated as if it were a horrendous act. Though in a strange twist, innocent bystanders that are fleeing the action in some of the populated areas actually drop a health power up when slain, therefore giving the player an incentive to snuff out innocent life when needing a quick pick-me-up. Even when purposely trying to avoid them, sometimes there are so many pedestrians around that it is impossible to not hit one given the wide arc that Kratos' blade swings with.

Surprisingly, it gets worse. While searching for Pandora's Box, which would give a mortal the power needed to kill a god, Kratos encounters a small group of soldiers that are being confined in front of a gate. A note attached to a corpse near the gate reads "What the Gods ask me to do, no man is capable of." In front of Kratos is a crude crematorium, and a lever. Afterwards, the player is required to hit a switch that lowers a cage containing a soldier. The soldier thanks Kratos for saving him, and begs him to set him free. Kratos, after looking at the crematorium, tells the soldiers "the gods require a sacrifice." The player is then required to drag the cage (and its cargo, as it screams bloody murder) to the crematorium. After pulling the lever, the soldier is roasted alive and the player is allowed to pass. Honestly, words can't express the feelings of guilt and nausea that overcame me as I was required to do this, even if it was "only a game."

Language: 10 out of 20
Swear Words Acceptable for Prime Time TV are used Once or Twice (-6 pts)
Sexual references are made once or twice. (-4 pts)

Even though the ratings explanation on the back of the case states that the game contains "strong language", what little language the game did have was hard to find, and was in the vocal commentary on the game's behind the scenes features that were unlocked by beating the game. One of the secret costumes (again, unlocked by beating specific - and difficult - requirements) contains the word "b*stard." The point does remain though, that whatever language I DID find was hard to find, so if there was strong language in it then it was probably even harder to find.

Concerning sexual content, both references were made in the same scene. Two women beckon Kratos to "come back to bed" after having a sexual encounter, and should the player decide to do so then various passionate grunts and moans can be heard.

Nudity/Sexual Content: 4 out of 20
Frontal Nudity (-10 pts)
Sex outside of marriage is shown as positive in the game. (- 6 pts)

This is what threw me for a loop the most out of all the game's content. God of War contains a good portion of nudity in it, and when asked about it on an episode of G4's The Screen Savers, David Jaffe (lead designer of God of War) answered "What I really wanted to do was take the little-kid stuff like Clash of the Titans and mix it with the adult stuff. It's M-rated, it's not for kids. It has characters with deeper stories, and sexual sides."

The sexual content of the game includes:

- Two bare-chested women sitting on a bed, and it is suggested that Kratos just had sex with them.
- A mini game where players have sex with the two women, though it isn't shown. But technically, since the player is in control of the action, they are making Kratos have sex with them.
- The Oracle of Athens wears a see-through tunic that reveals her breasts.
- Some of the enemies have breasts, such as Medusa, the other gorgons, and harpies, but while it is nudity it's hard to classify it in a sexual nature. There's nothing attractive about these beasts, I assure you.

Occult/Supernatural: 7 out of 20
Game takes place in an environment that is filled with major occult references. (-10 pts)
Fairy tale type magic is used in game by player. (-3 pts)

God of War is heavily based on Greek mythology. As such, gods such as Zeus, Ares, Athena, and Hades are mentioned prominently, and all appear as characters. The plot of the game, as mentioned earlier, revolves around Kratos' rescue of the city of Athens and ultimately the slaying of Ares. The games enemies are made up of various mytholigical monsters such as harpies, gorgons, minotaurs, cyclopes, and hellhounds (I couldn't think of a plural for Cerberus, heh...). References to the undead are also made, and Kratos makes a trip to Hades (the place) and the bodies of the screaming dead literally fall from the sky and into the abyss. Hades (the god himself) is shown as a horned being, and bears a strong resemblance to the popular image of a demon. Magic in the game, which is granted from the gods themselves, is along the lines of flinging the lightning bolts of Zeus at enemies, causing a rage of lighting around Kratos, turning enemies to stone with the head of Medusa, summoning an army of spirits to fight, or Kratos filling himself with the gods' rage.

Cultural/Moral/Ethical: 10 out of 20
Game requires active rebellion to play the game. (-5 pts)
Game requires that decisions be made that go against traditional values. (-5 pts)

The player is required to sacrifice an innocent human being to open a gate. That is, quite possibly, the most heinous act that I've ever been required to perform in a game. It's not even an honorable sacrifice, the poor soul begs for mercy the entire time and goes down kicking and screaming.

Bonus Points
This game promotes the importance of family values. (+3 pts)
This game shows the consequences of evil and/or messing with the occult. (+3 pts)

The cause of Kratos' rage against Ares is the fact that Kratos, driven in a violent rage by the god of war, has slain his own family. The player is given a second chance to save Kratos' family, and can shield them from harm by using himself as a shield while transferring his own life to save them. Kratos teaches Ares the hard way that you just don't mess with a man's family.

The game also does a good job of showing the impact that a bad decision can make. Kratos, during his time as a soldier known for his brutal methods, gives his life to Ares in a selfish attempt to save his own life in a battle turned for the worse. That decision leads to path of bloodshed and the slaughter of countless innocents, and ultimately leads to the killing of Kratos' family by his own hand.

Conclusion:
While I was playing God of War, I was constantly thinking "you know, this would be a perfectly acceptable game if they'd have toned down the gore and the nudity", but I realized that it wasn't intended to be, as is evident by comments from David Jaffe. When G4 asked what his favorite parts about the game was, he replied that one of them was "the brutality of Kratos, the main character. This may sound like marketing-spin bulls**t, but I really feel this way: I love the fact that in this game, you pick it up and you really can unleash your dark side. He's violent, he's brutal, he's nasty. And that was something we pushed from the very first day, and it took us forever to find the animation team that could really understand how to actually make the player feel that way. So I think the unashamed brutality is really appealing to me."

I'm going to be honest. God of War has received a lot of attention and critical acclaim... and it deserves it. The gameplay, character design, and direction all show that a lot of work and attention went into it. But never in my life have I felt so torn about a game, almost as if I wasn't allowed to enjoy it. I became so guilty by the actions that I'd committed in the game that I almost identified with Kratos and his suffering, which was probably the exact intent of the lead designer. But, no matter how you look at it, this game is not intended nor designed for those with a biblical worldview. For everything that the game does right, the ends are not justified by the means. Because this is a site that reviews games based on the content of it, not on the quality of it, God of War receives a 37 (F) for explicit violence, sexual situations, and mythological references.

[Gumby dammit]

I can find a game that rated lower.

STORYLINE
Grand Theft Auto Vice City is set in the mid 1980's, you play a former criminal named Tommy Vercetti. The story begins with Tommy being sent by his former boss Sonny to make sure a drug purchase goes smoothly. However, some people ambush the exchange and Tommy has to flee the scene with an idiot lawyer named Kent Paul. This beginning is all video; and the game starts shortly after you flee the scene. The viewpoint of Grand Theft Auto Vice City is in the 3rd person viewpoint.

There are two primary ways to play this game. The first is on foot and the other is in vehicles. As the name Grand Theft Auto implies, in order to get around Vice City you must steal cars. When you are in a vehicle, you can smash into other vehicles, kill pedestrians on the sidewalks, etc. Once you buy a submachine gun, you can engage in drive by shootings either against people on foot or in vehicles. When you are on foot, you can beat up pedestrians, shoot them, buy weapons from the ammu-nation store, get different outfits, etc. There are also a few missions where you will use a helicopter, aquatic plane, some remote control planes and helicopters, and a boat.

The objective of this game is to take over Vice City. This takes a long time to complete, possibly 50+ hours, and involves playing a multitude of missions. Most of these missions involve killing people, either as a direct objective or something that must be done for you to survive. There are some that have different objectives, for example: in one mission, you have to drive a speedboat through several checkpoints in a predetermined amount of time. After the completion of each mission, you will receive a certain amount of money. Once you have completed about a third of the missions, you will be able to buy pieces of property in Vice City, such as: a strip club, taxicab service, printing shop, etc.

Most of the people you have to kill on missions are armed and, if they get the chance, will try to kill you. However, when you are not playing missions, you can do whatever you want. You will get in trouble if you kill someone or steal a car when a cop is nearby, but if no cops are around, you will get away with murder - literally. If you attack or kill a cop, the police will start to chase you more intently, and if you decide to go on an all out rampage, the FBI and eventually the Army will come after you.

The appeal of this game comes primarily from its good graphics and the freedom to do "your thing" in playing the game. Visually, the environments and characters are very well detailed.

Players can also travel around Vice City with few restrictions. They can travel on to the beach, hit a dirt bike track, race fast cars on the road, pop wheelies with bikes, cruise on a moped, etc. When you are working on a mission, you have a choice of a number of ways to complete it.

VIOLENCE
In order to complete this game, you have to kill hundreds of people in your various missions. Whenever you shoot or hit someone, blood will come out of his or her body in copious amounts, depending on which weapon you are using. For example: if you kill someone with a chain saw, it will be very bloody. When they die, blood will puddle around their bodies and you can step through it and make some bloody footprints. When you kill people by running over them, you will see a blood tire trail for a distance. It is very disturbing that you are able to blow off a rival's heads - again with a large amount of blood shooting out his or her neck. This is sick.

ILLEGAL/HARMFUL MATERIAL
The worst thing about this game is the fact that you are required to kill people in order to win the game. You are paid, in some of the missions, to kill people. For example: in one mission, you are paid to a kill a woman by making her death look like an auto accident. The sad thing is it is exciting and fun to become a professional murderer. This could be very disturbing considering how "lifelike" the characters are.

LANGUAGE
There are hundreds of profanities in this game, some strong and some milder. The Lord's name is also frequently taken in vain. In both these situations, people use this language in their everyday speech. There are also a few profanities uttered on the radio stations you can listen to.

NUDITY/SEXUAL CONTENT
There are many times that characters in this game will make sexual comments and/or motions. An example of improper sexual behavior, a man indicates to women what he wants sexually by the motion of his lower body. Also, as you play the game, you can pick up prostitutes for sex. When you are engaging in sex, you only see the car rocking. However, this is not the most blatant sexual material in this game. You can own a strip club and a pornographic film studio. In both, there are times that you see nude women. Several of these women, along with many others in the game, wear thongs. There are also a few a times in which you see sex occurring between two characters in the game, and even though you don't see the act directly, you hear and see enough to know what is happening. There is also one point in the game where you see some female breasts that are projected on the side of a tall building.

OCCULT/SUPERNATURAL
There is no occult/supernatural content in this game.

CONCLUSION
Grand Theft Auto Vice City is one of the most popular games out today and also one of the vilest I have ever played. Many games out today contain a great deal of violence and some language. Vice City has an above average amount of language, but what really contrasts it with other games is the blatant sexual content/nudity, which is the most I have ever seen in any game I have played. It is for all these reasons that I can't recommend this game for anyone.

Grand Theft Auto Vice City receives an 18% (F-) [See Rating Definitions] for an extreme amount of violence with blood, a multitude of profanities, and many sexual comments, actions and nudity.

[Inferno Dragon]

no rating on this one but it's still a review, well it's more like a rant but still I think it would go here.

this is their review of Pokemon which is rated E by the ESRB.

Since its inception in Japan barely three years ago, Pokémon (a.k.a. Pocket Monsters) is impacting children's culture like few fads before it. There is a popular Pokémon cartoon series on TV and a new hit movie in the theaters. Kids are coercing their parents to shell out millions of dollars on trading cards and video games, as well as hundreds of kiddie items (like lunch pails, back packs, etc.) plastered with colorful Pokémon images (TV Guide, Oct. 30-Nov. 5, 1999). When our children become this fascinated with cartoon culture, it's good for parents to be aware of what's behind this kind of pop-culture phenomenon.

Let's start with the basics from the world of the Pokémon. First of all, Pokémon is both singular and plural. There is no such thing as Pokémons. Whether you are talking about one or two Pokémon, it is still Pokémon! (It's like one or two moose—not mooses.) Poke is acceptable on occasion, however. Don't ask me why!

The object of the game is to capture or buy Pokémon and train them to obey and attack on command. Once they are ready, you can challenge other Pokémon Trainers. You do this until you have beaten all other local trainers and defeat the Elite 4 Trainers (who are "masters of evil," according to the official Pokémon Handbook by Maria Barbo.) The ultimate goal is to defeat the Pokémon Master and ascend to his throne (according to Pokémon—Pathways to Adventure by Jason Rich). After that the final accomplishment is to capture and catalogue all the Pokémon in the world. Hence their slogan, "Gotta catch' 'em all" (or from the parents' point of view: "Gotta buy 'em all!")

According to the official Pokémon Handbook, there are 150 different kinds of cute little stuffed pocket monsters (and the number is growing) who "love to fight" (ibid. pg. 6). When you have a maximum crew of ix Pokémon trained, you are ready to challenge other trainers who also have six Pokémon ready to fight you (ibid. pg. 15). If you are skillful enough to win the fight, your team gets power-increasing experience points and the trainer (that's you) gets Poke cash or magic trinkets from the losing trainer. You use these spoils in upcoming fights, as they greatly enhance your chances of beating future challengers. All of the magic potions and trinkets are important for completing the quest of ascending to the status of Pokémon Master and "catching 'em all."

As your cute little Pokémon gain experience points, they evolve into bigger and badder Pokémon. This evolving is almost Darwinian, as the critters get larger (some Pokémon grow from barely a foot high to more than seven feet tall and hundreds of pounds), often sprouting horns, fangs, and talons, as well as gaining supernatural powers. Their fighting ability evolves right along with their size. It truly is survival of the fittestzlity evolves right along with their size. It truly is survival of the fittest in this dog-eat-dog (or should I say Pokémon-eat-Pokémon) world.


Even when they are still cute, furry, and not yet evolved, Pokémon fight by biting and scratching their opponents. They may not be able to kill an opponent at this level, but they can sure hurt each other. As they morph, they become more deadly. Depending on their elemental (horoscope like) sign, they may fight by belching fire, psychic attacks, casting spells, spraying poison clouds, crushing moves and crippling mayhem. At this point, they begin to lose their cuteness.

To be a winning trainer, you not only have to be a good fighter, but also a Pokémon scholar. You must memorize all the statistics of each pocket monster, in each of its different stages of development, plus know the magic and energy cards. Each Pokémon has a trading card that lists its name, Poke number, element (horoscope-like sign), number of damage points it can withstand, primary and secondary attack skills, the opponent which gives it the hardest fight, and what evolutionary stages it goes through. This involves learning dozens of statistics on hundreds of cards, and takes untold hours to master.

The game develops strategy skills and a killer instinct. There is no room for mercy to win in this game. In effect you instigate a series of "cockfights for kids" (TV Guide, Oct. 30-Nov. 5, 1999). But it is more than a kill-or-be-killed game. It is multi-dimensional in its level of complexity. Knowing your enemy's strengths and weaknesses, and knowing how and when to cast spells is critical to success. Sometimes it's better to concede defeat and pick up experience points for the next battle. Sometimes it's better to use magic. As Kenny Rogers sings, "You've got to know when to hold them and know when to fold them."

This game is mentally challenging and can definitely develop critical thinking skills in children. However, we have some serious concerns:

CONCERN #1
Pokémon has been banned on a number of school campuses because of its addicting influence on kids, as they become absorbed with playing and collecting. Games like this are designed to be addictive. They want kids to play and buy more Poke product to keep playing. The cute, colorful characters, the sensory stimulation of the cartoons and video games, the thrill of winning, the challenge of collecting and keeping all the Pokémon can lure some kids into a fantasy world they may not readily wish to leave. Many kids can enjoy these games as a healthy way to socialize with other children. Others, however, have addictive personalities, which make them more susceptible to these attractions. Parents need to watch their children at play and see if the game might be affecting their child adversely.

Parents should also be aware of the growing influence of the media's marketing on your children. Role-playing and video games (like Dungeons & Dragons and Doom) were once aimed exclusively at teens. These games are now being aimed at children at a much earlier age. Marketers want to pre-condition children to start younger and continue to purchase and play such products for as long as they can hold them. (Remember the word "entertain" means "to captivate.") Parents who are aware of this trend are less likely to buy into this pre-conditioning agenda.

CONCERN #2
Life in the Pokémon world is one of continuous fighting. Children are encouraged to train cute little animals to bite and scratch their friends' cute little animals. If the purpose of the game were to collect cute little puppies and train them to fight other cute little puppies, there would be a huge public outcry. Since the Pokémon are imaginary animals, it seems to be more acceptable. We are concerned about a game that puts children into a world of constant belligerence and aggression, turning cute characters into little monsters.

As the characters evolve into larger and fiercer beasts, they develop such powers and weapons as cannons built into their bodies, spraying poison and toxic gas, electrocution, and even eating your dreams. In the world of Pokémon, children are taught that each Pokémon has a special gift or talent. However, instead of using those gifts to help others, children are being encouraged to fight each other.

CONCERN #3
To gain the competitive edge, a trainer must use magic potions to heal and strengthen his Pokémon, and wear magic badges to control the stronger Pokémon. In addition, the really powerful Pokémon have psychic powers and can throw curses. This bears disturbing similarities to witchcraft. In the Nintendo-licensed storyline of the cartoon, Ash, the hero of the series, goes to a tower haunted by dead Pokémon. To detect and identify these Pokémon, Ash uses a Silph Scope (a real instrument used by paranormal researchers to detect ghosts). While in the tower, Ash is attacked by Channelers, which are described as possessed people who use dead Pokémon to attack live Pokémon. In the story, one even chants, "Give me your soul...give me your soul" over and over again (Pathways to Adventure, pg. 66).


Channelers, like the Silph Scope, are real! Channelers are people who "channel" or become possessed with a spirit who communicates through the human host. This occult encounter, as well as others in the storyline (Pathways to Adventure, pg. 70), are specifically targeted for a pre-teen audience. Pokémon can be a gateway and a simple stepping-stone to more overtly occult games like Dungeons & Dragons.

Any of these aspects alone could be cause for concern, but when you include the potential for addiction to such games, the violence and pit fighting aspects, and the occult overtones, Pokémon is not a game we can readily recommend for children.

While we recommend caution, parents don't need to panic. Although many kids are deeply invested in the hobby of collecting and playing Pokémon, they're not all lusting after bloody combat and magic powers. Most are simply attracted to the fantasy of the characters and the social aspect of trading with their friends.

However, role-playing games, such as Pokémon and Dungeons & Dragons, encourage children to identify with the personality of the character they play. A child who pretends to be a character that abuses animals and attacks people is more likely to find that type of behavior acceptable in real life. What we focus on makes a difference in how our children grow in character and spirit.

"Whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy, let your mind dwell on these things." (Phil. 4:7- 8)

The ultimate solution is not an adrenaline-filled alternative to Pokémon combat, but in the ability to focus on a relationship with God. The practical thing to do is pray with your child, and spend time getting to know the games and entertainment that interests him. Ask your child if he really likes the idea of pets biting and scratching each other and being hurt. Ask him if using magic against other people is what God would want them to do (Is. 2:6, Ez. 13:20). The Bible has a lot to say about how we should treat our neighbors, and how to be good stewards of the animals God has given us (Lev. 19:18, Mt. 22:39, Gen. 1:28-31).

A computer monitor reveals what is in your computer system. In a similar way, the games your child plays reveal a lot about what is going on inside of him. We need to start paying more attention to the games they play (as well as the music, TV, and movies they see and hear) and help them evaluate these things from a biblical perspective.

Let us pray that we will become godly parents and leaders who will be able to guide our children into the reality of living in the light of the Word. Let us also pray for spiritual direction for all the programmers, designers, and marketers of video games to be led by the Holy Spirit, instead of the spirit of darkness.

[Aqsol]

The cute, colorful characters, the sensory stimulation of the cartoons and video games, the thrill of winning, the challenge of collecting and keeping all the Pokémon can lure some kids into a fantasy world they may not readily wish to leave.

(Cue Twilight zone theme)

And heres one on Super Mario bros

Once upon a time, there was a game called Super Mario Bros. This single game helped take video games from a trend, to a lifestyle. The game itself is good but I don’t think it is great. At the time of its release it was something incredible, but looking back at it, excluding all the “greatness”, it is simply a good game at best.

Gameplay - 25/30
Not the originator of side scrolling action, but one that took the genre to the next level. It is very simple. There are enemies wandering around on each stage. They can either be killed by stomping on their head, shooting them with “fire power”, jumping into a block that is underneath the enemy, or getting invisibility and running into them. You start as a little Mario, or Luigi, if you are unfortunate enough to be the 2nd player. If you are touched by an enemy in this form you die. You can come across a mushroom that will allow you to grow bigger, take an extra hit, and break bricks. If you are touched by an enemy you revert back to little Mario/Luigi. Once you turn into big Mario/Luigi you can get a fire flower that lets you shoot balls of fire out at your enemies. This can kill almost every enemy in the game. You can also come across a star which will turn Mario/Luigi invisible and they can now run into enemies and kill them without taking damage. There are 8 stages with 4 levels per stage. Each level ends with a fortress that is defended by enemies only found in the fortresses and a boss. There are also levels where you will need to swim through. Also scattered across each level are coins. When you collect 100 of them you get a 1-up.

Funfactor - 5/20
I don’t think this game is very fun. I never really played it when I was little, I was more attached to Mega Man, Zelda, Contra, and Bad News Baseball =). This game will bore almost everyone very quickly. It is very repetitive. There are only 2 kinds of bosses, both of which are easy to defeat, and after awhile you will grow tired of this game.

Control – 15/15
Mario does what I tell his punk ass to do, without any problems. Therefore controls are perfect.

Graphics - 1/15
I nominate this game as the game that contains the worst graphics past the Atari era. I can open a C++ program and create better graphics than these. They look like a bunch of poorly made paper cutouts. God the graphics here really do reach a new level of suckitude.

Music/Sound - 13/15
There are only about 4 tracks of music in this whole game. Oddly enough all the tracks will remain in your head long after you conclude this game. Gogo underwater music!!! O yeah the sound effects… We all have lives (hopefully) so lets hope no one actually cares about them.

Story – 1/5
A princess is captured and Mario must save her. Where have I heard this one before?

Replayability – (bonus) + 2/5
Once you beat the game you can run through it again with an increased difficulty. Considering how boring this game is this may or may not entice you to give it another round.

Conclusion - 62/100
Pros
- A good, not great, start for a franchise and a series.
- Addicting music.

Cons
- Very, very dated.
- Boring.
- The worst graphics I have ever seen past the Atari era.
- Easy and quick.

Everyone acknowledges Super Mario Bros. as a great game; for what it helped establish. Playing it now is very boring and unfulfilling. It is very, very dated and is only worth a try if you want to play a classic. Considering what this game did for the video game industry it is a classic. But as a game in general it is only decent; therefore I will not boost it score just because of its “greatness”. This is probably the cheapest and most common game ever created. Thus owning it shouldn’t be a difficult thing to accomplish.

Why is replayability a "bonus"?

And secondly, it was the very first game to come out for NES, so of course its going to have worse graphics!

And I dont know why he thought that "everyone will be bored with this game." That game is one of the funnest games ever! (yes, even more fun than that crap "Halo")

~Aqsol

[ May 26, 2005, 07:45 PM: Message edited by: Aqsol ]

[The Yoshimaster]

Interesting how he flames the graphics (of an NES game, of all things) when one could easily argue that the graphics of Legend of Zelda, a game he lists as one of the ones he enjoyed more than Mario, were worse.

Basically, that "greatness" is all that's left, since, unless you're an old-school gamer, you can't truly appreciate a game after you've seen twenty years of improvements in gaming. There really isn't a scale for reviewing old games anymore, other than the "greatness" scale.

[Sim Kid]

Hee hee...These religious reviews make me laugh.

My friend called me up around christmas, telling me about a new game called Final Fantasy VII. I had heard about it, but never really payed attention to the hype. He told me to go out and buy it right away. I told him no, but he reminded me of how he suggested Chronotrigger (the best SNES RPG) to me. A few days later I went out and purchased FFVII. I was amazed after the first 10 minutes of gameplay. Dazzling graphics during FMVs, gameplay, battle sequences, everywhere! Wonderfully designed backgrounds and the great music that Squaresoft adds to every game added to my amazement. This was just the beginning...

You start out as Cloud Strife, a newbie to a rebel group called Avalanche. You don't know too much about Cloud yet, but you know that you are with this group to destroy something called a mako reactor. Just as you begin to think this whole game will revolve around this task, it changes. The world unfolds before your eyes in a smooth running, well written plot filled with twists and turns.

Like I said, the graphics are wonderful. Especially the FMVs, which aren't sparse as in some games. Backgrounds are detailed and the monsters are well thought up.

The sound is wonderful, which is expected from Squaresoft. Most of it is songs from earlier FF games such as the battle and victory themes.

The game is very easy to learn due to the help you get in the game. Controls are simple and battle is very easy. Also, the game isn't all serious. There is a place called the Golden Saucer which compares to Fun City in Star Ocean. It is a place full of games and contests which are great after spending hours defeating monsters in a cave.

The one problem with this game is the fact that there is 1 ending. This was a great game, but I expected more at the end. Dont get me wrong, the game still has a good ending, but not a detailed one as in other games.

Overall, I have to give this a 10 because I believe this is the RPG that all other RPGs will be compared to for quite some time.

Now children, what is wrong with this review? He only describes the game in one or two sentences for each aspect he's reviewing.