OLD MAN YELLS AT CLOUD: where we complain about popular things in media we don't like to feel better about ourselves

[Booyakasha]

...speaking of 'Temple of Doom'. Do any of you guys think there's a market for monkey's head-shaped bowls for serving raspberry jell-o and cherry-vanilla ice cream and strawberry-rhubarb pie a la mode out of? Maybe even smaller-scaled ones, like, tureen-sized, for chunky salsa and mango chutney and such? (Or how about monkey's butt-shaped ones, too, for Nutella and apple butter? Ahahahaa. Gross.)

I might have a money-making idea on my hands. Put it in the book next to the waterproofed textured posters of the back of the Iron Throne for people to stick on the wall behind their toilets.

[Booyakasha]

Hey, so also on the subject of 'Temple of Doom'...

...Indy goes from killing a bad guy in his room to finding the secret passage in Willie's room, and immediately tells Shorty 'go get our stuff'. And then in very short order Indy has his whip. He uses it to hookshot his way down into the temple.

...so Shorty had to go unwrap Indy's whip from around the neck of a dead guy, right? I mean, that happened.

...Short Round is no joke, man.

[CaptHayfever]

On the subject of Dial of Destiny: It's good. I enjoyed it.

And remember, "I'm-a Luigi, number one!"

[I REALLY HATE POKEMON!]

Supposedly it makes the Crystal Skulls look good, which is amazing.

[Booyakasha]

I hear Indy's marriage to Marian fell apart and Mutt died in 'Nam.

...you know, I wasn't the biggest fan of 'Crystal Skull', but that's a little grim.

When Kirstie Alley decided she didn't want to do 'Star Trek III', they didn't have Saavik get eaten by a wampa off-screen---------they recast the role. They could have done that with Mutt. He wasn't the worst character ever in an Indiana Jones flick (heck, he wasn't even the worst character in 'Crystal Skull'----------that'd be Mac. Or Ox. Or stupid Spalko, or those crappy FBI guys).

[I REALLY HATE POKEMON!]

A divorced, geriatric Indiana Jones with a dead son being upstaged and emasculated by Mary Sue 9001 just doesn't sound good. I'm not even the biggest Indy fan and even I think that's a disgraceful send off for the character.

[Booyakasha]

So don't make that his sendoff.

How many people have played Indy. I can think of at least six. You had Harrison Ford, of course, and River Phoenix, and the two kids and old man from 'Young Indiana Jones Chronicles', and the VA from 'Fate of Atlantis'. And I'm sure there's lots more. What's the problem with recasting Indy?

You know, the whole reason Indiana Jones is a thing is that Spielberg and Lucas wanted to make a James Bond flick, and the James Bond people told them to screw off. So they came up with their own thing----‐---globetrotting adventurer who happens to fight evil on a regular basis. They could follow the Bond guys' lead and recast their hero. It would not be hard. I can only imagine how many action guys would be keen to try on the hat and shoot Nazis.

[EDIT:...Brendan Fraser wasn't quite Harrison Ford, but he wasn't far off, and neither were the silly first two Mummy movies far off from Indiana Jones. Them National Treasure movies were okay, too. It'd be fun to see Nic Cage in a fedora. I'm not saying it'd be perfect--------but can we discuss it at least?

Hey, blue-sky---------Bruce Willis straight off of 'Hudson Hawk'. Is it evil, or is it genius? Is there even a difference, any more?]

[I REALLY HATE POKEMON!]

I think the only way that recasting would work is returning to the Young Indiana Jones idea, or doing a full reboot. But I think they're probably lining up the new female character to be the new main character if the franchise though. The idea of a female Indiana Jones isn't bad in itself--that's basically what Tomb Raider is--but Lara Croft is actually a likable character, which, as it turns out, is kinda important.

Apparently there's a new Indiana Jones game in production. Some of them are supposedly pretty decent, so at least fans might have that to fall back on if it's good. I'm vaguely interested in it myself, but it's seemingly stuck in development hell.

[CaptHayfever]

A divorced, geriatric Indiana Jones with a dead son being upstaged and emasculated by Mary Sue 9001 just doesn't sound good. I'm not even the biggest Indy fan and even I think that's a disgraceful send off for the character.

I don't think "character whose short-sightedness repeatedly makes the situation worse until she starts learning from Indy instead of spitefully defying him" counts as a Mary Sue, but go off.

And remember, "I'm-a Luigi, number one!"

[I REALLY HATE POKEMON!]

A divorced, geriatric Indiana Jones with a dead son being upstaged and emasculated by Mary Sue 9001 just doesn't sound good. I'm not even the biggest Indy fan and even I think that's a disgraceful send off for the character.

I don't think "character whose short-sightedness repeatedly makes the situation worse until she starts learning from Indy instead of spitefully defying him" counts as a Mary Sue, but go off.

And remember, "I'm-a Luigi, number one!"

I haven't seen the film myself, so I can only go off from what little I've seen and read of the film, plus reviews. Seems pretty obvious from what I can tell, but I could be getting the wrong impression, though their marketing team should be fired if that's the case.

[Booyakasha]

...I didn't overly like Teddy.

Like, you can say Helena was a bad character, but Teddy was much more the crummy Mary Sue-type. And it pains me to say that, because I really loved that he was able to

Spoiler.

pickpocket the huge guy's keys and thereby escape his cuffs and murder the bastard

--------totally onboard with that. But Teddy didn't have a tithe of Shorty's personality, and having him

Spoiler.

magically be able to fly the plane perfectly through the time-portal, when he'd never flown a plane before

...that's some stupid crap.

Spoiler.

Flying a plane is extremely complex, and poor dumb Teddy didn't even have 'X-Wing' or 'Hellcats Over the Pacific' to cut his teeth on. Great.

[Booyakasha]

You guys should read "Goon 6: Chinatown". It's a real good book.

It's bad. It hurts. It'll make your bones bleed black black blood. It's good.

It is simultaneously the best and worst book. It will kill you, horribly.

[Booyakasha]

You know, I'll tell you why I'm perfectly fine with fighting dirty tooth-and-claw in fighting games, is because Indiana Jones fights bloody tooth-and-claw. Why is it objectionable?

Rifftrax (Rifftrax! My heroes!) have a problem with Indy's fighting tactics against the huge Nazi engineer in 'Raiders'. Indy tries kicking him in the groin, bites his arm, throws sand in his eyes, and I'm like so flippin what. The Nazi guy has a size advantage and a punching advantage, clearly, on top of every other conceivable advantage. Indy's only just escaped the Well of Souls, he's trying to retrieve the Ark of the Covenant lest it fall into Hitler's hands, and what, he's supposed to fight fair against this ginormous hulking freakotron? Stop. Indy is in it to win it.

Indy is inherently fighting fair, inasmuch as he is fighting The Bad Guys. The Worst Guys. Indy gets a pass. Oh, did he kick an Afrika Korps guy in the doink? Too effin bad for the Afrika Korps. Don't join the Afrika Korps if you don't want Indiana Jones or Monty or Patton or Danger 5 to give you the odd kick in the doink.

(EDIT: Sorry. I just watched the Rifftrax of 'Raiders', and I'm a little annoyed. Don't critique Indy too harshly while he's punching Nazis. He's the underdog hero. Cut him a break.

[I REALLY HATE POKEMON!]

My favorite Indy scene is where he just casually blows away the swordsman who challenges him with his fancy swordplay, then simply goes about his business as if he just stepped on an ant.

[Booyakasha]

^Yeah. Indy gets the bennie of the doubt. What was that sword guy's problem, anyway? "Ahahaaa, I'm the sword guy! I don't know what's going on, but I'm just enough of a jackpipe to interfere for no reason!" The people in the crowd seemed pretty not at all bothered that Indy shot that dude. He was probably a real jerk.

[Booyakasha]

The music video for 'Running Up That Hill' makes me feel all funny inside.

...one assumes that was the intended effect, but still.

[Booyakasha]

...you know, I'm gonna lay it on the line-----------I don't understand why people love Wookiees so much.

This is not a knock on Chewbacca. I love Chewie! Everyone loves Chewie! Chewie's great! But aside from being great, Chewie's kind of just a guy. A real good guy, no mistake, but that's it. So I guess I'll never understand why people wish the end of RotJ had been set on Kashyyyk instead of Endor. Like, having Wookiees there...huge insanely strong guys with modern technology taking on the Empire...not compelling. Not to me.

So, like, Ewoks instead. I love Ewoks. They're little, and they're tough----------like, it's real easy to be hard when you're a ten-foot-tall terrifying man-ape with a laser crossbow. Comparatively, Wicket's a three-foot teddy ruxpin with a pointy stick, and he still attacks Empire jerks. Friggin champ. Mean growly little psychopath. I love these little dipsticks knocking over chicken walkers with their stone-age tech. That's good.

Ewoks are fun! They're weird! They're pleased to join the rebels----------are they stupid? Did C-3P0 not tell them about how being a rebel invariably gets you killed? Ah, whatevs. Ewoks just love blood and violence. They want to eat people, they stab stormtroopers with their spears, evidently they just have swinging logs in place to smush stuff, and then at the end we see them banging on bad guy helmets like Neil Peart. Jawsome.

Like, Wookiees need to be used in moderation. One Wookiee is great. Two or more, those goobers bellowing at each other like morons, that's the Holiday Special. Don't you go shoving your dang Holiday Special into my RotJ, heathen---------I'll bite your face off.

Don't even try telling me RotJ would be better if they replaced Wicket with Lumpy. Stop.

[Deku Tree]

I never got the Ewok hate. I asked my brother-in-law about it, because he was mentioning that he puts RotJ as the least best of the OT movies. He thought they were a cynical bid to sell merch to kids, and maybe that's even true, but I struggle to care about that because I don't have any in-movie issues with them.

I tend to go 5-6-4 in my ranking.

[Deku Tree]

I know it doesn't do me any good to get hung up on the physics of super heroes, but I saw a clip of X-Men '97 where Cyclops is fighting a room full of dudes, but he's using his optic blasts to maneuver around, propelling himself backwards. I didn't think he had to deal with equal and opposite forces when he shoots those. It would kinda limit his output to the strength of his neck muscles. I've seen him tear through a bunch of sentinels in one shot, and it didn't remove his head from his shoulders.

[Booyakasha]

RotJ was my favourite as a kid. I don't think there's anything actually wrong with it-------------the worst thing I could say is that it feels more like two half-movies than one continuous narrative. I go 5-4-6, but the difference in quality is so minute it's barely worth quantifying.

I am referring very specifically to the non-SE versions of the movies, incidentally. Like, I still go 5-4-6 with the Special Editions, but the difference in quality is far, far bigger. RotJSE has that extraordinarily embarassing new musical number at Jabba's palace, and the dumb 'galaxy-wide celebration' ending that doesn't make any friggin' sense, plus they changed the music to some trash that isn't YUB NUB