OLD MAN YELLS AT CLOUD: where we complain about popular things in media we don't like to feel better about ourselves

[Booyakasha]

So I tell you what I'm sick of, is the whole "who is the monster and who is the man?" thing that dumdums misapply to 'Frankenstein'.

The monster is The Monster. Or The Monster is the monster, if you prefer it that way. It's obvious.

I mean, say what you like about Victor Frankenstein, but his greatest sin was hubris, or possibly parental neglect. What was The Monster's greatest sin? Murdering people. Doing diabolical evil just to get revenge. What a dick. Screw that guy.

I'm specifically referring to the book, here. You could make a case for The Monster in the old Universal flick, with Boris Karloff. That scene when The Monster is playing sweetly with the little farm girl, throwing flowers into the pond...he didn't mean to kill her. He looks so bewildered and horrified. Boris Karloff's Monster is an infant---------he doesn't understand the rules. Compare and contrast with the novel's Monster, who murders Frankenstein's little cousin, then places cousin's locket in the pocket of a family servant he found asleep in a barn, in order to implicate her. Disgusting. He knows the rules, and chooses to manipulate and flout them, just to be as horrible as possible. Ugh.

[Booyakasha]

So 'Wrath of Khan' is probably a better movie, but my favourite ST flick is 'Search for Spock'. Just...seeing these grumpy geezers knuckle up and steal the Enterprise just on the off chance they could resurrect Spock. Everybody gets to kick some ass, man. Sulu takes down the frick who called him tiny (object lesson, there---don't call him 'tiny'), Scotty breaks the dumb new Excelsior ship, even Uhura gets to order some crybaby into a closet at gunpoint after he backhandedly calls her old. Hooray for the good guys.

Spoiler.

And...I mean, David's death was a real kick in the fruitstand. Kirk's reaction...you know, people make fun of Shatner's acting a lot, and some of it's justified, but that moment, when he stumbles back...it feels real, man.

[Booyakasha]

So I'm not the world's bigggest Hitchcock fan or nothing, but I love 'North by Northwest', and that theme song is the absolute tits, man. It's so good. I like anything in 6/8 time, and that thing is so dang wild and minor-key. You can almost feel bad guys falling off Mount Rushmore left and right.

[Booyakasha]

Man oh man oh man, but I'll tell you exactly whom I don't like, and that frickin person is Tiny Tina, c/o 'Borderlands 2'. I hate her filthy guts. She's so glib and putrid that I want to throw up all over myself. Ugh. She's literally less likeable than Handsome Jack, the villain of the game and the smuggest slimeball you ever heard of! That shouldn't be effing possible!

"Ehh heh heh! Tiny Tina is so cute and funny!" Kiss my ass. Nobody likes Tiny Tina.

I'm not the bad guy, here! Friggin Tiny Tina is, quite clearly! Self-admittedly and unabashedly! Damn her eyes! Let her die, and thereafter be dead, the nightmarish little ratbag. Go to hell and kiss the devil right on the lips, Tiny Tina, you broil of garbage, maggots and pus.

[Booyakasha]

I don't care all that much about celebrities. I mean, occasionally there's one you like, but I couldn't pretend I give a tin shilling about most of these clowns and their sordid shenanigans. Most of them live the life o' riley. When's the last time Kim Kardashian did a fourteen-hour shift at the mill? Probably not too recently.

That said, I have to say...I kind of feel bad for Willie Nelson. I mean, he's a cultural icon, an American treasure, on top of which I can't think of a single time anyone's had a bad word to say about him, aside from him smoking the devil's lettuce. Lot of those old country and rock dudes were just exemplars of moral turpitude.

The reason I feel bad for Willie is that he's built his career on kind of sad, wistful songs about lonely old cowboys...and a lot of them are duets he made with his old dead friends. 'Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys' and 'Luckenbach, Texas' he did with Waylon Jennings, and 'The Last Cowboy Song' was with Waylon and Johnny Cash, and 'Pancho and Lefty' was with Merle Haggard. I mean, I love 'Pancho and Lefty', but it's about a western outlaw whose last friend dies, and then he just...grows old, and he don't gots no friends no more. And now Willie Nelson gets to perform 'Pancho and Lefty' without Merle. That's one of the saddest things I can think of. Did he make a deal with the devil, wherein he has to live in the songs he wrote? [EDIT: Aww, jeez, there's even a lyric in the song about how Lefty cain't sing the blues/all night long like he used to. I mean, I was slightly joking before, but suddenly it feels way too real to be funny.]

Like, even in his peppy solo numbers, like 'On the Road Again,' he says the thing he loves is making music with his friends. (Yeah, yeah I know. Who knew country music was a bummer sometimes.)

Willie should get together with Hank Williams Jr. Call the new song 'All My Rowdy Friend is Comin Over Tonight'. Or maybe 'All My Rowdy Friends Have Settled Down Into Their Effing Graves'.

[EDIT2: There's an unbelievably sweet moment on the teevee of Willie Nelson. It's from an episode of 'Monk'. Adrian exonerates Willie for a murder he didn't commit, and as a thank-you, Willie serenades Adrian's wife at her grave with 'Blue Eyes Cryin in the Rain', Adrian playin clarinet on back-up. It's a real kick in the heart-guts.

[EDIT3 ...and even then, even in a fictional universe, Willie is mourning the murder of a dear friend. Even in fiction-land, Willie's pals just drop like sparras in an early frost.

[Booyakasha]

It's a little jarring to me that 'go to hell!' is considered such a mundane insult that people say it on broadcast teevee. I mean, if you think about it.....telling someone to go experience a neverending benighted doom of torture is way worse than telling them to eat sh*t or go f*ck themselves. I have to censor those-------sure don't have to censor 'go to hell'. How strange.

I mean, literally going to hell would probably encompass the whole hideous spectrum of dastardly insults and curses anyway. There's probably whole circles of the inferno devoted to 'f*ck your mother!' these days. 'Damn your eyes!' might sound weak, but it would probably be pretty rough. 'Kiss my ass!' would be a logistical nightmare.

So, like, don't tell people 'go to hell!' Tell them 'I hate you!', and then ponder why you said that to another person, and what led you down that dark road.

[EDIT: Sorry. Someone told me 'go to hell!' this morning, and it rankles me. I had the audacity to cross the street in front of his stupid sh*tty car while I had the walk signal, because I'm evil. Corner had a 'no right turn on a red light' sign, because it also is evil. I guess I should just go straight to hell and be damned for all eternity for my transgression. Ugh. I swear, you just want to light out and go live in a swamp sometimes. Hang out with Shrek, the Boggy Creek Monster and Ko Ko Joe.

[Booyakasha]

You know, if I was Prince Philip, I wouldn't have fought Maleficent. I'd have proposed alliance. I mean, her mean little goblin homies don't look that mean. They seem like the sort you could satisfy with promises of panem et circenses. Maleficent herself wastes her hand by being way too evil way too early. Truly great Machiavellian arch-villainess should have a slightly subtle Katherine Hepburn in 'Lion of Winter' thing going on (you know, evil, but hiding it better.) Or Livia from 'I, Claudius' (one scene that chills my marrow even now, is when the Chief of the Vestals compliments Livia on her memory, and Livia fixes her with a look half of steely-eyed contempt and half of conviviality, and sweetly says, "My dear, I never forget anything.' Good biz). Maleficent hucks it away like a dumdum. If she'd reneged on the whole thing, she could have been wizard-vizier to a savvy young king, instead of a tattered cloak with a rusty sword stuck through it at the bottom of a ravine. Political power ain't nothing to sneeze at. And imagine the social gains! Think of all the baby-showers and christenings she could have been invited to!

[EDIT: While we're on the subject of 'Sleeping Beauty', do you guys think it would have been funny if Wyrm-Maleficent had done her third fire-blast at Philip out of her ass? You know, just to shake things up a little?

EDIT2: ...maybe Maleficent's just a moron. I mean, her name literally means 'doer of evil'. Presumably she'd have been invited if she'd called herself 'Honeybunny McPuddingsprinkles' and gone around in a rainbow-striped outfit on a unicorn made of candy. Then she could have done her evil stuff from the start. Appear to lack guile-----it's only obvious, you arch black-robe-wearing knucklehead. Tcheh. It wouldn't be as iconic or dignified, but it would have been a million times as effective. Screw your pride and dignity, dumdum------do you want to look evil, or do you want to do evil?

[EDIT3:"Myahaha! Thou fools! You neglected to invite me to your baby's brit milah, and now I'm so furious I'm going to wait sixteen years sitting on a block of dry ice and then cause your daughter to die by having her prick her finger on a spindle!! Get me, I'm evil! Ahahahaa!

...I mean, I could just turn into a dragon and eat you all up right now, but...uhhhh...I'm not going to. For reasons! Reasons that exist! Myahahahahhh!"

Maleficent. The stupidly pointless Rube Goldberg of villainy. What a doofus. Maybe Philip was right to just kill her. If you miss with the sword, try throwing rocks. Heck, throw a cheese danish if you have to.

[EDIT4:...I mean, if you were Philip, the second the dragon appeared, wouldn't you just go, 'ugh. I cannot once catch a flippin break. I bet that dweeb Prince Charming doesn't have to deal with this effing bullcrap. I can't even swear about it properly, because it's Disney. I mean, look at this------(*vague hand-gesture of vague annoyance*)---------I was trying with all my might to flip the bird there, and I was physically unable to. Maleficent literally just said 'hell', and I can't say anything harder than 'get bent' back?!? I'm not the bad guy, here!' Then he goes in, all sexually frustrated and angry at having his choice of words hectored at by puritannical snobs. 'I don't even like Aurora all that much. She's kind of cute, but I've met her once, and like what the hey is so great about an arranged marriage if you have to fight a scary bugaboo just to make it happen? This is dumb. (*cleaves through flaming thorns*) I should see if Nani is available. That chick is friggin hydraulic. Beautiful, exotic as heck. Uninhibited. Voiced by Tia Carrere (I've had a giant crush since 'Wayne's World'). Lives literally in paradise. No royal ancestry to complicate things. Added bonus--------instant cute little sister and fun weird alien dog/rabbit/raccoon pal. Why am I fighting a dragon, again?' Then he turns tail and scampers off for Hawai'i, laughing his little ass off the whole way. Yeah.

[EDIT5: Or, hell, just propose marriage to Maleficent. She's really attractive, and she's got that deep smoky voice. She's smart, powerful and ambitious, and again----------instant subjugant race of evil little goblins and crow buddy. Everyone wants a crow buddy. I sure do. So what if she's evil-------you win her over to the side of good with your love, like Bill Heterodyne tried to do with Lucrezia Mongfish. And, I mean, if Princess Aurora is so stupid that she can get killt by pricking her finger on a spindle, I mean, it's only a matter of time before she beheads herself with a swizzle stick or drowns in the shower or gets her butt stuck in the toaster oven or something. I mean, yes, you do have to expect a little retardation with European royalty, owing to all the intermarriage, but there's a limit to what should be tolerated.

[EDIT6: Or I suppose it could have been haemophilia, not stupidity. Both are common results of inbreeding. Still, if you want to establish a strong family line, it's probably best to avoid picking a partner with genetic maladies. Otherwise you wind up with sickly princes like Alexei Romanov. That kid...I mean, he wasn't a moron or a lunatic, but he was just an average kid. Average kid with extreme infirmities just ain't gonna take and hold the throne of Ivan the Terrible. That's the kind of thing that requires an extraordinary mind and unbelievable guile. Like Emperor Claudius, yeah.

[pacman000]

I find it weird that Pokemon is a normal series now, instead of something weird & new that only kids understand.

I guess this means I’m old now?

[CaptHayfever]

You're older than you've ever been, & now you're even older, & now you're older still.

And remember, "I'm-a Luigi, number one!"

[Booyakasha]

Ugh. Disney disgusts me sometimes. I'm furious, so this isn't going to be fun, or funny, or witty. I want to set myself on fire.

Disney is apparently taking some of its movies off Disney+, out of supposéd concern for potentially offended people. 'Peter Pan', 'Aristocats' and the real 'Dumbo'---------blip! gone.

I hate this. I hate it with a hot, hot hate. Hoo boy. Let's jump into the fire.

1. Ownership

This is precisely why these things should stay on Disney+.

Twenty years ago, Disney (and pretty much everybody who owned old cartoons) started releasing their old cartoons on DVD, and they all pretty much had the same disclaimer at the beginning. Like, whether you were watching Silly Symphonies, or Looney Tunes, or Popeye, or Droopy, or Tom and Jerry, it was the same boilerplate---------'We were wrong to portray ethnic groups so stereotypically. We shouldn't have done that thing. But it would be wrong for us to pretend we had never done that and sweep it under the carpet. So here's the things, and you should have a conversation with your kids about why this is wrong, and in the meantime we hope you can appreciate them for what they are----------flawed works from an ugly era of our cultural history.' That is such an honest attempt to come clean. I mean, on a corporate level, to try and establish that Br'er Rabbit and Speedy Gonzalez were, yes, perhaps, uncool stereotypes, but also genuine, innocent attempts to entertain everyone? Would it be controversial if I said people should laugh at ignorance rather than be offended by it?

I have it on good authority that Latino folks absolutely adored Speedy Gonzalez and Slowpoke Rodriguez, because they were effing funny. Like, when Cartoon Network got worried Speedy Gonzalez cartoons might offend the Latino community, they pulled the cartoons, only to have the Latino community rise up in righteous fury, astride their mules and alpacas and chupacabras, and demand their rad mouse mijo be returned. Possibly if only to contend with the gringo mouses (personally, I think Speedy would kick the snot out of both Mickey and Jerry. He's too fast). And it worked! Speedy came back! For a minute.

2. Agency

Parents should not be using the pick-cher-box as a substitute for parenting. My mom worked multiple jobs, and she still somehow managed to vet the things we watched. She had to solo raise us right, and she really worked her balls off. She wasn't averse to showing us weird movies, or morally questionable flicks. She showed us 'Return to Oz' and 'Adventures of Mark Twain', and 'Labyrinth', and 'Krull', but the one thing she didn't do was say "watch anything on the electric babysitter you like, kids, i'm too busy to be bothered raising you".

3. Moral Rectitude

It is despicable for Disney to remove three bona fide Disney classics from Disney+. Because most Disney+ customers are presumably parents who wanted to be able to show their kids the whole Disney catalog at a low monthly rate, and now they get to pony up cash for the BD/DVD versions. Disney+ is a streaming service, for cliff's sake!!! It isn't like you're just getting this stuff accidentally on network teevee! Presumably a couple stupid-ass soccer moms handed their sh*tty kids the tablet unsupervised, and then went into an 'I'm not racist' panic when "What Makes the Red Man Red?" came up in a public setting. When did Disney decide to throw the baby out with the bathwater? Is "What Made the Red Man Red" so awful that "You Can Fly!" is expendable? Is 'Dumbo' so irredeemable owing to "When I See an Elephant Fly" that 'Baby Mine' and 'Pink Elephants on Parade' are now forfeit?!? I want an answer, or to be struck by lightning!

4. Oh, Go Get Bent

...I mean, I'm willing to sacrifice 'Aristocats', because 'Aristocats' is crap. 'Peter Pan' is a little harder, but that Injun biz is indefensible. But...'Dumbo?' Seriously?

Yeah, yeah, I understand the crows are racist stereotypes of black people. But the stereotypes are like eighty years out of date. No four-year-old child would watch "When I See an Elephant Fly" and say, 'Hmm. Black people are inferior and evil, aren't they. Well, sieg heil, I guess!" And if they do, educate, damn you!

5. Whatever

This is the stupidest garbage ever. I suppose I shouldn't expect much better from Disney. Funny story (I mean, it's funny, if you're looking for a reason to hate everything ever)--------I talked about this with my ma the other day, and said it was a cowardly half-hearted half-assed cannibalisation of one's own biz, and compared it to Disney World still having Splash Mountain despite having thrown 'Song of the South' out decades back, and then she told me Splash Mountain was gettin rebranded, and as a joke, I said, "oh, what, is it gonna be...Elsa's Un-Frozen Frozen-Themed Log Flume?", and she confirmed that that was pretty much it.

...sometimes, the only thing more horrible than being wrong is being right. I mean, I was trying to be as hideously cynical as possible, and somehow I hit it right on the bevel. I want to barf myself hollow.

Conclusion:

...I need to relax. For a minute. And then prepare my sickles for the bloody harvest. And already my sickles say, in gentle Jaeger accents that stop my hands from quaking in rage, 've dun needs no preparazion, poppa! Ve vos vit hyu frumm de schtart!' And I nod in misty-eyed appreciation, and then I put on my greatcoat and stride out the door, and the nightmare begins.

[EDIT:So I've cooled down, and parsed out some of the more egregious curse-words, because the site is PG. I'm leaving the post up, because I feel like it's a rill good post, even if its genesis was a silly misunderstanding.

[CaptHayfever]

I have good news & bad news.
Good news: They're not completely removing those movies from D+.
Bad news: They are making them inaccessible through profiles of children under age 7 (but the movies can still be accessed from their parents' or older siblings' profiles on the same account).

And remember, "I'm-a Luigi, number one!"

[Booyakasha]

That isn't bad news. As I said, I think kids should watch movies with their parents. [EDIT: Or, rather, parents should watch movies with their kids.]

...this topic is like ninety percent me screaming and headbutting trees like an imbecile. Maybe I should take a chill pill. Maybe I'll live longer.

[Booyakasha]

Say, Cap, for your money, what's the best 'Ghostbusters Ii' rap?

I mean, we're spoiled for choice. There's the titular Run DMC song, and then 'On Our Own', and 'We're Back', and 'Spirit'. Like, the first two are so fun and iconic, but 'We're Back' is super rad...except you have to knock it down a point for not actually appearing in the movie. And then along comes 'Spirit', and that might be a clear winner, only it's so intense and minor-key that maybe it shouldn't be boss, much like Vigo himself.

[EDIT: 'Ghostbusters II' soundtrack was the second CD I ever owned. Number one was 'Sunshine on Leith'. Lunatic aunt bought a bunch of us the former in the old long box (I guess they were on sale)--------ma bought me the latter, along with a CD/tape boombox. What an odd Christmas.

[CaptHayfever]

I never really thought about that; I'll have to go give them a listen. (For me, the defining song of that movie is "Higher & Higher.")

And remember, "I'm-a Luigi, number one!"

[Booyakasha]

Yeah, I can see that. It's a good, good goldang song. The Howard Huntsberry cover from the soundtrack is good enough if that's all you gots, but the Jackie Wilson one they play during the toaster scene is definitely the real mccoy, far as I'm concerned. It's like not even a contest.

(Oh, and just in case anybody drives up and asks, BJ Thomas' version of 'Hooked on a Feeling' has always and will always be the best. Blue Swede can eat me.)

[CaptHayfever]

I'm also a big fan of Peter Tork's version.

And remember, "I'm-a Luigi, number one!"

[Booyakasha]

...I have to go with 'On Our Own', personally. The rap isn't as much the main feature of the song as in 'Spirit', but it's a couple real good bars, and, l mean, I love Run-DMC, but their bars are merely pretty good. It's a good song, but 'On Our Own' is so slick and polished. It feels like the 'Ghostbusters II'-era equivalent to the old Ray Williams Jr song.

[EDIT: ^Hmmm! What an interesting take. (Of course you knew about that, you half-monkee, you.) I'll try to return the favour. Maybe someday you'll be talking about a weird old song you like, and I'll produce a Proclaimers or a Tyr cover of it out of your ear like a street magician.

[CaptHayfever]

Just checked out the 3 raps, & I have to agree about "On Our Own", but then Run-DMC is close behind. I didn't really get into "Spirit", though.

And remember, "I'm-a Luigi, number one!"

[Booyakasha]

Yeah, 'Spirit' isn't for everyone. Some people cheer it/some people fear it/'Spirit'/some people just won't go near it!

...ahaha. That was the most obvious joke ever, and I loved it. Sometimes the perfect setup falls into your lap, and like why fight destiny.

You know, I think most people would acknowledge 'Ghostbusters II' is lesser than ''Ghostbusters', but I think the 'Ghostbusters II' soundtrack album is pretty much the equal of the original movie's. Like, 'Ghostbusters' soundtrack has the title song, and 'Magic' (sheer awesomeness), and 'Hot Night' (pretty great) [EDIT:and 'Cleaning Up the Town', which rules], and then a bunch of crap by Thompson Twins and Air Supply and all, and then a couple tracks from the score. Meanwhile, 'Ghostbusters II' soundtrack has the stuff we mentioned, plus Elton John, and Oingo Boingo--'Flesh and Blood', and friggin 'Flip City'. Man alive, but 'Flip City' is a banger. They used to play that at the roller rink. It's one of those songs that toughen you up as a kid---------it's scary, and you like it.

[EDIT: Oh, crap, 'Flip City' is by Glenn Frey. It's like there's no escape, man. The universe is darkling. Tincting. Subtly trying to make me say I like the Eagles. I don't, and I never will! Take your garbagey 'Peaceful Easy Feeling' and ram it straight up your 'Hotel California', and thereafter be thou damned for all time, Satan, you friggin knob! Get outta my face!

CCR AND SKYNYRD 4 LYFE (*brandishes gaffi stick, hollering and honking like a moron*)

[Booyakasha]

...Satan's a dink, man. He wants to trick me into liking things that are total wank, like the Eagles, and Florida-Georgia Line, and 'Big Bang Theory', and Klingons, and avocado, and Budweiser, and neo-nazism. Just so he can cackle his little ass off about me forsaking good for evil, inch by inch. What a prick.