OLD MAN YELLS AT CLOUD: where we complain about popular things in media we don't like to feel better about ourselves

[Booyakasha]

Man. I really like James Horner's music. Like, he wasn't always attached to movies I'm a huge fan of, but his scores were always pretty rad, man. I probably wouldn't like 'Field of Dreams' anywhere near as much if it'd been loaded with John Williams-style bombast or Basil Pouledouris choirs wailing away (although it'd be hugely entertaining to see a cut of the movie with "Riders of Doom" or "Imperial March" playing over the emotional moments) (maybe have "The Ecstasy of Gold" play over the scene where Shoeless Joe first appears out of the cornfield).

[I REALLY HATE POKEMON!]

^ I never finished the final dungeon, my PS2 broke. It was just additional content but I was really into it. Maybe I'll go back to it eventually as well.

[Booyakasha]

So I'm watching this 'Best of Jabooody Dubs Willy Wonka' video on Youtube, and I realise that Willy Wonka's boat doesn't actually have room for all five families. Only four benches, Wonka's seat, and then room for the Oompa helmsman and waterwheel-turners. Then, later on, Wonka's dumb soda-powered car only has seating for five-----Wonka and two families.

Was Wonka planning to kill people all along, or did he just figure his factory was so insanely dangerous that he'd be constantly losing people along the way? Is a Wonka factory tour basically like a playthrough of 'Oregon Trail', where you're about guaranteed to lose most of your party by endgame?

[Calamity Panfan]

wonka definitely planned to kill at least one child before that boat ride

[I REALLY HATE POKEMON!]

That's such a weird yet boring movie, I never could get far into it but that sounds pretty cool.

[Booyakasha]

I mean, was the factory specifically designed to weed out sociopaths, morons and troglodytes? Presumably if Charlie and his grandpa had got chopped into coleslaw by the fan in the fizzy lifting drinks room, Wonka would have waited a couple years and then launched a second golden ticket contest, a third, a fourth, etc, until he finally got someone worthwhile.

Don't mistake me-------I'm glad Charlie won. I like him a lot. I just wonder why Willy Wonka never thought of starting a family. I mean, he's an eligible bachelor with a chocolate empire, a huge scary factory and a race of little people serving at his beck and call. There have to be some gals that that would appeal to. It just seems so much easier than the whole golden ticket deal. (Although, come to that, the golden ticket scam murder contest probably boosted sales a trillion percent. Far more than quietly getting married and having kids would have.)

[CaptHayfever]

Wonka was definitely expecting a bunch of the kids to fail his tests. It's actually a bit less scary in the book, because Charlie sees all of the other kids leave the factory alive at the end, rather than just having to take Wonka's word for it.

And remember, "I'm-a Luigi, number one!"

[ScottyMcGee]

Man. I really like James Horner's music. Like, he wasn't always attached to movies I'm a huge fan of, but his scores were always pretty rad, man. I probably wouldn't like 'Field of Dreams' anywhere near as much if it'd been loaded with John Williams-style bombast or Basil Pouledouris choirs wailing away (although it'd be hugely entertaining to see a cut of the movie with "Riders of Doom" or "Imperial March" playing over the emotional moments) (maybe have "The Ecstasy of Gold" play over the scene where Shoeless Joe first appears out of the cornfield).

I love Horner's score to WIllow and Aliens.

John Williams is going to retire from Star Wars after IX, and I'm wondering if they're going to use John Powell. I've been a huge fan of Powell since he did the Bourne movies way back when. I was surprised when I first heard he was going to do the Solo movie. BUT WOW. Powell's score to the Solo movie is FANTASTIC. I feel bad for Williams but I just have to say - he's not as good as he was years before. His music has become less and less dynamic. His scores for Force Awakens and Last Jedi were just average IMO. I'm hoping Powell's involvement in Solo means they're prepping him to take on Williams' legacy.

In other news, I was sorely disappointed by Alan Silvestri's score to Avengers: Infinity War. That score was so boring. You'd think that big of a blockbuster would have a more exciting score. Something about it is utterly. . .generic.

[Booyakasha]

^Hmmmm! I didn't know Horner did 'Willow'---------just assumed that was John Williams, too, because it was Lucasfilm. (Suppose it should have been obvious, in retrospect---------the score has a real vague Irish-folk bent to it. Woodwind/string-heavy, lilting. A little melancholy. Kind of Horner's steez, in general.)

I love 'Willow'. Really good flick. I still have some of the old trading cards clattering about somewhere (Madmartigan, General Kael and Airk Thaughbaer). Mom clipped them out of Ziploc packages for me once upon a time, bless her heart.

[Booyakasha]

Man. I got a chance to see 'Labyrinth' on the big screen today, and I took it. (Cross that one off the list, yeah.) I'd forgot how good it is.

I also forgot how beautiful David Bowie is in it. He is striking, man.

[Booyakasha]

Man. I figured out why I hate elves so much. It's because they're such crybabies.

It makes total sense. They have such a sweet deal. They get to just live forever in beautiful forests. Writing poetry and strummin on lutes. Meanwhile orcs get born in crap and live in crap. Humans are then born in crap, live in crap, and then get sick of it and try fighting for their place, and actually earn their place. And so what do elves do? They refuse utterly to arise to the times, and so they rage-quit and go to the Grey Havens, no doubt going peepee in their pants all the while. Elves suck, and so does too anyone who likes them. Be them gone from my sight.

Stop giving elves archery, god damn it. Archery won England the Hundred Years' War. Archery is not for retreating elf cowards, it is the stuff of hard low-born cockneys and Welshmen who shoot down fey French knights in their thousands whilst outnumbered ten-to-one. Archery is rad, full-stop. It is badass. Elves are no more archers than they are ice hockey players. Put them back in their cookie-trees and santa-workshops where they damn well belong, the miserable grubbing little pukepots. Ugh. Garbage. I could retch myself blind.

Elves suck. Anything that chooses oblivion sucks. Whales suck. Dolphins suck. Panda bears can go directly to hell and kiss the devil square on the mouth if they love him so damn much.

Get in on the winning team, damn you all. Man up and live, or get the heck outta my face.

'Girl Genius' doesn't have elves------------it has Jaegers! Weirdo monstro tusked fanged humanoids who speak in Boris Badenov accents and who love violence and eating bugs! Big up the Jaegermonsters massive, man. I'd rather hang out with Dimo on his very worst day than Legoass the crappy LotR ass-elf on his best. Elves can suck it so hard I can't believe it. Ugh. Jaegers are rad. To hell with elves.

Klingons suck, too. I'm so goddamn sick of Klingons I could puke coat-hangers out my eye-sockets, man. Jaegers make Klingons look like a runty puddle of yuck. Jaegers love stupid over-the-top weaponry. Any Jaeger who wouldn't take an insanely dangerous murder-ray over a batleth is no son of mine.

Romulans, man. Romulans are the cool ones. They invented the cloaking device. They're the ones that painted big doofy birds on their warships just for the blistering funzies of it. We used to do that. We used to paint our fighter-planes up like sharks. We should just be the new Romulans. That'd be sick. Screw elves, and Klingons. Screw things in general that suck. Big up the Jaegermonsters, and the Romulan Star Empire. Big up humans.

[EDIT]Like don't even get me started with the Jedi. Hell hungover, but am I sick of the goldang Jedi already.

[Booyakasha]

...Ewoks, man. Why do people hate Ewoks? I don't get it. They could be the hard right arm of the Rebel Alliance. Why didn't the Rebels recruit 'em? Why the blistering hell didn't they, digdog it?!? They were such good homies.

I promise you, Ewoks would have complemented Rogue Squadron, ten times over. Mean little bastards. They'd have done it, I bet you dollars to doughnuts. They're not stupid. They could do it. They're good. You wanna tell me Gungans were capable of advanced tech, and the Ewoks couldn't at least be taught how to use it? Do so completely bite me, would you kindly. Ugh.

I mean...let Wedge try to teach them, at least. Give 'em the reclaimed TIEs, if you can't trust them with Xes and Ys. Goldang it, dude.

[mushroom]

ewoks are cute

[Booyakasha]

Tough enterprising little hombres. We see them stealing blasters off of dead imperials. That little goon Paploo figures out a speeder-bike, and two of them maniacs hijack an AT-ST, with big brother Chewie's help. Then at the end they play on stormtrooper helmets like drums. Messed up. They're psychos. I love 'em.

Hope 'Rise of Skywanker' ends with Wedge's newly formed Ewok Squadron flying in at the last second to save the day. Wicket himself shoots Death Star III right in its ass, kasploding the whole thing six ways from sunday. Heck yeah. Wicket's cool.

[Booyakasha]

...why are there teams?

I'm not talking about sports, or armies. Why does Mystery Inc. exist? They should rename it 'Velma and Four Jackasses'. Fred, Daphne and Shaggy are worthless (Scooby gets a pass, because he is a dog). And like why are the Avengers a thing? What conceivable purpose do the likes of Captain America, Hawkeye and Black Widow serve, compared to Hulk, Iron Man and Thor? You could very easily replace them all with Jubilee--------Jubes has an actual superpower. (Also an actual personality.) (Ahaha, shots fired. Boo the bitch.)

How about a little bit of economising, please. Why are there nine members in the Fellowship? It's stupid. It's pointless. Why have thirteen dwarves? Are you getting paid per stupid-ass made-up name, Tolkien, you hack?

[steeze]

Isn't Mystery Inc. considered a business? They definitely get paid to solve mysteries because they seem to roll around feeding two bottomless pits and using a lot of gasoline in the process of going from one case to another. That would require a pretty hefty amount of money. Cross country travel can be expensive.

[Booyakasha]

If they're a business, Velma should wheedle her way into management and then immediately fire everyone. Or...like, just abandon everyone at a really bad place. Like, imagine the house is actually haunted for once. Imagine the amusement park has a full-on zombler infestation, not just an old man in a dumb mask. Velma runs off, laughing, while everyone else gets eaten up. Then Mystery Inc is just Velma. Efficiency.

...you know, the dummies can be of use. Bait. Stalking-horses. Walk Freddy into the trap. Let Shaggy be ambushed. Ask Daphne to step on the landmine. It's good. You don't even have to kill Scoobs--------he's a great dane, he'll die of extreme old age within three months at most.

Oh man, what if Velma got an Ewok sidekick? That'd be rad.

[X-3]

Shaggy and Scooby basically carry the team with their ability to dodge-tank the monster at the end of every episode.

[steeze]

If you think about the reality of the show things get pretty PG-13. Velma and Fred always sneaking off together. Smoke pouring out of the Mystery Machine all of the time. Shaggy and Scooby red-eyed eating whatever they can get their hands on. Four teenagers driving around the country getting into trouble constantly. Velma and Shaggy being the only single ones but Scooby always lookin out for Velma when she's dropping her glasses so you know he knows the deal. You know shaggy didn't get that name by not shooting his shot. The fact they become vigilantes on the regular, dabble in a fair amount of trespassing and even assault.

[Booyakasha]

...I like 'Power Stone'. It should come back.

'Power Stone' was fun. Most fighting games today ain't fun no more. I quit 'Battle Fantasia' and 'Blazblue' because I got tired of the computer killing the sh*t out of me every single time. It's good to make the game challenging, but if the game makes the final boss encounter too difficult, then even the victory will be Pyrrhic ("yes! I finally beat 'Guilty Gear'! My wife left me, and all my friends have crumbled into dust, and North America has been taken over by post-apocalyptic mutant sentient bears, but at least I beat 'Guilty Gear!'").

'Power Stone' got a crummy anime series. It's not every game that manages that. Clearly I'm not the only person who loved it. It must lie merely dormant, waiting for some champion to come along and dust it off. I know it. I await it.