That feeling you get about ending your own life.

Jesus · #1

I have a lot of personal stuff going on in my life. My ex boss used to tell me "You've gone through so much at 26 years than most people go through in their entire life". I've never bothered to tell anyone what I've went through. That was mostly so I wouldn't disappoint my mom. It's not like I made bad decisions. No I didn't do that. Life just honestly sucks and it is usually always against me when it comes to luck. Well today while working, I had a defiant patient and so I walked out. Something about their defiance just made me reach my breaking point. I looked at my own life and said to myself "yeah everything bad WOULD go away if I jumped off a cliff and died right now". I don't really have anyone significant in my life. The one I had took me for a run with my money and cheated on me. I've dedicated the past 7 years helping my friends and always self sacrificing for them. I know I'd disappoint them if I committed suicide. They are my anchor keeping me alive. I could care law about my family with being the black sheep and being the only one still at home at 13 when my dad went **** crazy on everyone. We were a wealthy family and it all went away after that. Me and my mom had to reset our lives at that point. Four older siblings never had to go through what I had to go through. It still makes me jealous. I had to pay my own way through college and university and for my own clothes growing up. Mom makes good money but never bothered to even help me. I was paying rent at 16 to my mom lol. Sorry to vent, but thoughts of suicide crossed my mind and I'm really really scared. I have someone coming over to my apartment later tonight.

#2

If you're truly concerned that you'll succumb to a temptation to kill yourself, you should seek professional help.

I hope the dark thoughts you're having right now are just a passing thing. Sounds like you've had a rough time.

Jesus · #3

I've talked to someone just now to calm me down. My family life is less than good to be honest. My mom isn't a great person either and makes bad decisions and I happen to be the one bailing her out now that the rest of my siblings don't want to. It makes it worse when she still criticizes me for not being as good as they are. Sorry I don't want to be a lawyer like all the others did. I never seem to take time for myself and it gets to where I feel trapped with no way out. Private Student loan payments are also suffocating me. I don't make enough to pay them now and live on my own but yet I have a full time job doing what I went to school for. How's that supposed to work? But yeah, I'm calmer now but I hate having those thoughts after getting yelled at by absolutely everyone today and nothing going right like I see how it is for others.

Calamity Panfan · #4

1-800-273-8255.

That's the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Remember that if you need to talk to somebody in a pinch.

I hope these feelings are just a passing thing, but if not, please look into getting help if things persist.

I REALLY HATE POKEMON! · #5

Good to hear you're more calm now. Try to get some rest and take care.

#6

I'm glad you came to talk to us, and also spent time decompressing with your friend. Those are both important decisions you've made, and I'm grateful that you felt safe and welcome to reach out when you needed to.

It's understandable to have hard thoughts when things aren't going right. Problem is, death takes away all opportunity for life to get better, too. I can see how hard you're trying, and how much effort you're putting in to make your life work for you. I also notice you've identified the idea that you're not giving enough time to you. Please know that I relate to how difficult it is to make positive adjustments on the subject of Looking After Yourself, but it's so important to take little steps now, to help lessen some of that pressure. Try to take even just an hour each week to do something for the sheer purpose of your own personal enjoyment, whether that's playing a video game, reading or watching something, going out places you enjoy, walking in nature, visiting a breeder so you can roll around with puppies or kittens, whatever sounds good just to you, and make it a priority. It's not selfish or a waste of time or pointless. Self-care is vital. You wouldn't expect yourself to lift something heavy with an injured wrist - coping with emotional strain is also about supporting yourself and taking responsible steps towards your wellbeing.

I'm proud of you. Be well. Vent as much as you need, we're here, and we care about what you're going through. <3

Jesus · #7

Yeah. I understand. There's people that are toxic in my life and currently they don't make my situations any easier. Nor can I get away from them. My ideal thing that I think would be truly happy is take my valuables and fly away somewhere else and start a new life. I guess I wouldn't have these feelings if I had the ability to erase certain people out of my life ya know?

monstrman · #8

Jesus · #9

These feelings aren't letting up at all. If anything they are getting much worse. I'm trying to find a way but every time I think things are getting better, my family comes crashing down on me again. Tonight I was accused of something by my autistic brother that I know I didn't do. Mom will believe him over me anytime. Fine. But having to accept guilt for something yet again that I didn't do is making me want to kill myself more. I honestly cannot do this anymore. I'm scared. Really honestly scared. I'm contemplating checking into a mental health facility but know that will put me behind on work. I currently have a useless bachelor's degree, my ex ran off on me after I paid half her rent all fall (found out she was cheating on me), lost my own apartment due to financial losses from that (go figure), move back home with mom and little brother. Realize my student loan debt has increased and has a chokehold on me now. Work two jobs now that has nothing to do with what I was studying. Now I'm being accused of something absolutely horrible that I know I didn't do from my own brother and my mom believes him over me. Then it gets piled on more with more lies thrown at me and anytime I wanted to defend myself tonight I was silenced. There's no proof of anything. I absolutely know I can't continue like this. I've lost everything in life and wonder why should I continue. How can I break away from my issues and start anew? I'm not killing myself tonight or this week. I'm going to keep trying to figure things out at least. For now, all I want is someone who can listen to me.

Jesus · #10

A million thoughts a minute right now. Typing on my phone is the only thing keeping me sane at the moment. Why?? I can't figure a way out of this problem. I want to fix it but I can't. I am stacked against myself. I've never ever felt so alone in my life. My friends are all gone. Fine. My co workers like me. But they're just in work. My own **** family though. On top of EVERYTHING.

#11

That's heavy, man. I wish I had some advice to give. I hope the best for you.

Marilink · #12

I'm so sorry to hear about your family situation, WvsW. That's really tough. I'm glad you want to solve things, but I hope you can find a way to drive thoughts of self-harm out of the equation. You haven't lost everything, even though it may feel like it.

I left a phone number in your other thread, if you ever need it. You've got this, man.

Jesus · #13

I'm gonna try to post at least once an hour through tonight so everyone knows I'm still okay. I don't want anyone thinking I went through with the thoughts. I know I'm not going to. But the fact they popped up tonight scares me.

Marilink · #14

I appreciate the thought, that's very nice. But you've gotta go to bed at some point, and I don't want you feeling like you're obligated to keep a posting schedule. Just keep us informed as you feel comfortable.

X-3 · #15

I'm not really confident that I can give you good advice. All I can suggest is to just try to calm down and don't do anything you'll regret. If it's late in the day try to get some sleep, it's better than staying awake if you feel horrible.

Jesus · #16

I'm not able to sleep yet. In my gut I know outside these forums I've officially lost everyone I talk to. Absolutely everyone. Whatever. **** it. I'll go and get some rest. I have to sleep this off and try to think straight in the morning. Perhaps I'll call my boss and try to reach out to her. I know I can do that at least.

Marilink · #17

I hope you can get some rest tonight. I've talked with a few people that have had similar thoughts as you're having, and I can say with confidence that there are still people in your life that care deeply about you. You may not see it clearly right now, but they're there, and they're there for you.

I'll keep you in my prayers tonight.

Calamity Panfan · #18

I don't know much to say other than that people care about you, and that I hope you've been able to rest a bit now. Stay strong, man.

#19

Please take care.... you and your life are important to us. You may not believe it just now, but there is always a solution to problems. Sometimes the solution is simple and we just need guidance to find it, and sometimes it's a little trickier and we need help to get through the steps. Whatever the solution, it usually requires a commitment to take that first step... and as you can see, we wish to help. Please follow ML's advice and call the suicide hotline. That's a good first step... then please contact your doctor/local mental health support and your boss.

Valigarmander · #20

It sounds like you've really been going through some ****. I really hope things turn around for you. Please take care of yourself, and don't forget you have a lot of friends here who care deeply about you.