I had a nightmare last night.
I was walking down the altar on my wedding day, set to somber orchestral tones and thunderous applause. But I still felt uneasy.
At the end, I lift the veil of my betrothed and discover that my bride-to-be is actually my right hand.
But for some reason, I wasn't shocked.
Observing the audience, I discover that lining the pews aren't friends and family after all, but a gaggle of giraffes on the left and the cast of The Justice League
on the right. I was strangely fine with all of this. Then I sat down on a toilet that just happened to be in the middle of the church and wondered why my tie wasn't spinning counterclockwise.
Then I awoke.
Man, dreams are **** weird.
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You know how when you just wake up after a dream and your brain's still trying to process the bull**** your subconscious just bombarded you with? It admittedly took me a couple minutes. I knew I was awake but I was somehow still wondering why my tie wasn't spinning.
I composed myself and finally remembered my agenda for today: To score. To score big. To finally land a girl who'll love me for who I am.
...Or at least land a girl, period. I won't be choosy. This time. Much.
Wait, why was I determined so suddenly? ...Oh, s**t--Right. Because of my goddamn brother. He's here for the week. S**t.
I don't need your help, Shou--To hell with you, being so naturally successful with women ever since you gave that girl your cupcake on my second birthday... I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP. I can get a girl on my very own, I--
*SLAM*
Shouyu: Wakey-wakey! It's time!
...Man, I hope he can finally get me a girlfriend.
Shoemi: Jesus! Barge into my **** room, why don't you?
Shouyu: Why not? It used to be my room, as well. Quit your whining. Girls don't like whiners.
Shoemi: ...Wh-- ...Shut up.
Mental note: Girls don't like whiners.
Shoemi: What are you doing here, anyway? And why are you standing on my chest?
Shouyu: Just helping build yourself some character, broseph. So what say you freshen yourself up and we'll start casing the city for a nice girl with low enough standards for you, eh?
Shoemi: Hahaha...
God, I hate you.
Shouyu: You know what--you're right. I have made the sincere decision to help a brother out so sorry for roasting you like that. Old habits die hard, right?
Shoemi: Apparently so.
Shouyu: No need having to cut your self-esteem--I'll leave the girls to do that for me.
Shoemi: See, I can't tell if you're joking anymore.
My brother lets off a raucous uproar of laughter as he slaps me heartily on my back. Pretty hard. It's takes all of my strength to not whimper.
Shoemi: *Whimper* ...
Shouyu: Excuse me?
Shoemi: Nothing. It's nothing.
F***.
Shouyu: Haha! ...Man, c'mon--You know despite all the **** I give you that I love you, man! Helping you out through grade school, assisting you financially, supplying you fap material...
Shoemi: GOD--SHUT UP MOM MIGHT BE AT THE **** DOOR
Shouyu: Point being, when the chips are down, I've always had your back!
Shoemi: You definitely have my back now.
Shouyu: Now what did I say earlier? Girls. Don't. Like...?
Shoemi: ...Whiners.
Shouyu: See? You're already learning! Now freshen the **** up and let's go get you a-courtin'!
Shoemi: What--already?
Shouyu: Dude--Your doubts are only increasing exponentially every second you hesitate. We gotta get you out there, NOW.
Shoemi: I wasn't even done with my soliloquy, damn it--How else am I gonna prepare myself mentally?!
Shouyu: Alright, alright. You need a moment?
Shoemi: Yeah, just... give me a couple minutes.
Shouyu: Whatever.
He promptly leaves my room, giving me a chance to reflect before I finally venture into relationship territory.
...
...
...
...
...
...Is my tie still spinning?
*SLAM*
Shouyu: Time's up! Let's go!
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