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The discussion in the Jedi lightsaber thread made me do this.

I won't all throw it in at once. Let's just start with Episode I first.

The big task with this trilogy is giving a good enough reason for Anakin to do what he ends up doing. We must be able to culminate all the negative aspects of Anakin's life into the final conflict of the third movie. He was born a slave, which fuels his desire for freedom. He watched his mother die, which fuels his desire for control. And then he'll be denied the title of a Jedi Knight, which fuels his desire for power. That would be the three themes in the prequel series. Episode 1 is about Freedom. Episode 2 is about Control. Episode 3 is about Power.

Episode I

We begin with Obi-wan and Qui-gon saving Queen Amidala and her crew from a Trade Federation ship. The big switch in here is that Obi-wan is the master of Qui-gon (so, sorry Liam Neeson, but you're out). The reason for this is because I'm following a strict reference to the original trilogy. Obi-wan said his instructor was Yoda, so we'll stick with that. Captain Panaka is now female, because Lord knows this series desperately needs more female characters. Lastly, we'll have a Gungan character who was held captive by the Trade Federation in order to seek the hidden Gungan city. HOWEVER he is NOT Jar Jar. Instead, he'll be this snarky, racist ass who will hate teaming up with the Queen but is forced to escape with them in order to survive.

They return to the Queen's ship in the Trade Federation ship's hangar, escape, get shot at and crash land on Tatooine. So just like Episode IV, we start with action RIGHT AWAY. Queen Amidala vs. The Trade Federation. This parallels how Episode IV started as it was Princess Leia vs. the Empire. This also parallels with how the main drivers of the plot are thrown into Skywalker's home. By now, we are also introduced to Nute Gunray and his mysterious benefactor - Darth Sidious.

Cut to a podrace somewhere on the outskirts of Tatooine. Anakin and Sebulba are head-to-head and Sebulba pulls off a dick move. Anakin's crashes and passes out - possibly near death. The big reveal for the audience is when Sebulba reaches the finish line and the announcers state how Anakin Skywalker was presumed to have perished in the race.

Cut to Obi-wan detecting Anakin's presence in need of help. Qui-gon and Panaka join him to find a passed out Anakin and his podracer. Maybe we'll have some action of them fending off Tusken Raiders who have found the pod. Obi-wan is amazed that a boy this young could podrace.

They bring Anakin to the Queen's ship and he recovers and reveals himself as Anakin and blah blah blah.
He meets Padme and blah blah blah. While repairs are coming along on the ship (in which we are introduced to a feisty droid called R2-D2 doing the repairs), the Jedi and Padme return Anakin to his home.

There, his mother is grateful and offers them food and whatever. Then we get into Obi-wan detecting Anakin's special powers. Instead of some Chosen One and a high midichlorian count over 9,000 bullsh*t, Anakin is merely a child prodigy in the Force. For the most part, we transplant most of the middle portion of Episode I here. Anakin still makes a droid, possibly similar to a protocol droid, but it's not C-3PO. Anakin being a techie is important - it relates to how he has a desire to fix things in order for them to be a certain way.

Cut to the Jedi Council being alerted that they have not received word from Obi-wan and Qui-gon's mission to Naboo. Yoda's all like "Chill, you will be." But Mace Windu is like "Speak in reverse grammar one more time. I double dare you motherf*cker."

We zoom out to reveal Darth Maul spying on the conversation. He relays his information to Darth Sidious. Along the way, we could have a brief scene where he is spotted by security, and we'll show how ruthless he is slicing people up. So Sidious sends Maul to Tatooine and we're left with Sidious alone. He takes off his robes and turns into Senator Palpatine - ready to debate Naboo's fate from the Trade Federation – or should we say control it. Mwahahaha.

Meanwhile, we return to Tatooine and that portion ends with a rematch between Anakin and Sebulba and Anakin winning because now Obi-wan has taught him about the Force. Anakin is free. He is to become a Jedi. They leave Tatooine, of course running into Darth Maul.

With reports of Darth Maul, the Jedi Council goes haywire. Obi-wan is like "Have no fear, we have a new prodigy - Anakin Skywalker." Everyone is amazed by his powers to the point where they dissent on how to teach him. Is it stable for him to reserve all his power?

Padme does her senate bullsh*t. She is inspired by Anakin's persistence to have beaten Sebulba that she decides to screw trying to get over the red tape and instead return to Naboo to resist the Trade Federation. However, she has no idea how to begin the fight. Lucky for her, our unnamed Gungan character has warmed up to the party by now and says, "Yo, I can hook you up with our people. I believe you can do it." Palpatine of course is all like "No, what?" As Darth Sidious, he orders Darth Maul to stay on Naboo to fight them.

Anakin is enrolled into the Jedi Council. Against orders, he becomes a stowaway on the ride back to Naboo since he has the hots for Padme (and also wants in on some action).

Oh, also, the party steals a Trade Federation ship, because why the hell would they be able to go through the blockade in the Queen's ship? Makes no sense.

So the party lands on Naboo. Action, action, action. Our unnamed Gungan character leads them to the Gungan City for help. The Queen reveals her true identity and yada yada yada. The ensuing battle consists of Padme and the Gungans trying to overtake the main city. Anakin gets stuck in the starfighter to blow up the Trade Federation mothership, and Obi-wan and Qui-gon fight Darth Maul. The battle that I'm removing here is the Gungans fighting the droids on the fields of Naboo. Instead, they and the humans just all siege the main city of Naboo.

Once Padme reclaims her throne, we get a surprise revelation and see C-3PO having been stuck on Naboo the entire time; he is Padme's personal assistant. Apparently, he wasn't fast enough in the initial escape from the Trade Federation invasion. This parallels to how in the original trilogy, he always manages to catch up with the main party in barely the nick of time. This time, he always gets late and stuck and never gets involved in the main plot.

However, C-3PO has no idea that the Queen and Padme are the same person. He will also know nothing of her secret life with Anakin.

With Qui-gon dead, Obi-wan is at a loss on what to do. He seeks guidance with Yoda and Yoda believes it was the will of the Force to find Anakin, and that Anakin should be his new apprentice. This will also play into Obi-wan's training with Anakin. Until the fight with Darth Maul, Obi-wan had taught Qui-gon a stricter type of defensive fighting. He had never faced a villain like Darth Maul before and now starts to think that letting go of a little passion is crucial in eliminating the Sith threat.

And so that's pretty much it. End it on the same tone as Episode I.

(Oh, and of course, share your own ideas)

How would I fix the prequel trilogy? I don't know. How does one fix the Polish Backwards Gun? Or the Submarine Screen-Door? Is it possible to fix something that is inherently stupid and broken?

Okay. Step 1: Jedi mind-trick Lucas into taking a pure producer role. He is clearly terrible at writing and directing-------hire people with talent to do those things, so the film doesn't literally have to be saved in editing, the way ANH was, the way the entire prequel saga wasn't. Step 2: If it has to be a prequel saga, set it hundreds of years before the events of the real movies. The prequel saga suffered from extreme undermining of tension-------literally any time something kind of interesting started happening, I'd go, '...wait, there is literally no chance Obi-Wan or Anakin or Yoda or Padme or R2-D2 or C3PO or Padme can die here. Oh well. Guess I get to look at pointless battle scenes between armies that don't matter rendered in obvious CGI for the next twenty minutes.' Fix that by giving us not one character that appears in the real movies. Leave us wondering who might die. Step 3: Make us care about the characters. Give us scenes like Luke watching the sunset, or Han shooting Greedo (without Greedo shooting first), even Leia making fun of Tarkin to his face. Don't show us characters doing dumb lightsabre sh*t with completely blank expressions within the first two minutes of screentime, like we get in TPM. Let us get to know these people first, so we feel them, relate to them, and will thus be on their side for some reason other than 'durr they gots the lazer-sword'. Step 4: Practical effects. CGI has its place-------that place is the garbage can. (Hah!) Do stuff with miniatures, and puppetry, and matte paintings, and stop-motion. The real movies look so much more real than the prequels, because everything was photographed, not just rendered in terrible-looking computer graphics on George Lucas' old Grape iMac. Looking real is important-------it helps suspension of disbelief. Step 5 (sort of): Don't wait twenty years to make prequels-------set to work on sequel saga, and do so immediately. While Harrison Ford is still young, and Carrie Fisher is still nubile and relatively sober, and Mark Hamill is still bishie.

^^I haven't listened to the whole thing, Kargath, because I suddenly realized I didn't want anything influencing my editing of the films. But I liked the discussion so far.

^I agree with everything except #2. Finding how HOW things happened can be just as exciting as knowing what happened in the end. You have to give the audience a strong sense of dramatic irony. You have to make them care about the characters first so that they whine and go "NOOOOO they're so happy now but I know things are going to go so bad, the feels!" This is why in my editing I have Palpatine revealed to the audience as Darth Sidious right away. You know now who the Emperor is going to be and so now you're going to pay attention to every little thing he does and says in order to see exactly how he developed a relationship with Anakin. There's still plenty of questions the audience could be asking despite knowing that it all goes well in the end of the original trilogy. What was Alderaan like? How did they manage to kill all these Jedi? How did the Republic become the Empire? Why does Obi-wan and Yoda do that weird thing where they disappear after they die? Where did the droids come from? Are we going to see a young Han Solo? Blah blah blah blah blah.

By the way - I JUST watched Attack of the Clones before throwing this in so I could remember everything again. Ho, God, that movie is a mess. It literally feels like they filmed scenes and just pasted them together without thinking about if they fit or not. It feels SO FAST. There's no flow at all. It's just "Cut to this, then to that, then to this, and then an explosion, then more talking" It doesn't feel like the plot is being driven, like nobody is at the wheel forcing the characters in a certain direction. There is literally NO REASON for Anakin and Padme to fall so deeply in love with each other. They just remember "the good times" and I'm like "What? In Phantom Menace, you two like hardly reached puberty and only spent time talking to each other for like a couple hours. But you talk now as though you spent four years together in college, had a falling out, and are now trying to rekindle that love. WHAT?"

Like even poor John Williams barely scored anything. If you are familiar with the complete Phantom Menace score, I'd say like a good 55% or so of the music is just ripped from Phantom Menace, especially in the Geonosis part. It's like he just couldn't care - but who could blame him with the terrible flow of a story? Maybe he was busy working two scores at once and was doing another movie? I have no idea - but it was pitiful listening to rehashed music. AND SO POORLY EDITED TOO. Despite the laser sounds and explosions, I could still hear the cuts being made in the music editing. IT'S SO BAD.

Despite how bad it is, I wouldn't be opposed to seeing again, you know why? Because it's a perfect example of what not to do in a movie. It should be shown in film class with the teacher making fun of it and pointing out everything that's so wrong about it. It's stupid but enjoyable with several alcoholic drinks and I guess Natalie Portman is pretty hot in that white jumpsuit.

I dunno now. I kept holding back on this thinking about it. I feel some of it is contrived but whatever. I still think it'd be better than the crap we got.

Episode II - Attack of the Clones

We open up with Darth Sidious meeting Count Dooku on Geonosis. They briefly recount Episode I and Count Dooku is officially replacing Maul as Sidious's right-hand man. We are already told about the clone factory on Kamino. We are introduced to Jango Fett and Zam Wessell as Dooku gives them the mission to eliminate Padme once and for all. We are also shown the plans for the Death Star here and Sidious takes them. (As an added bonus, since I'm such a Star Wars score geek, John Williams should give a reference to the Death Star motif from Episode IV)

Cut to Coruscant, where Obi-wan is training Anakin in the Jedi council. They are summoned when learning about the breaking news of an attempted assassination on Padme. Instead of being like "Man, I want to f*ck her" Anakin will just be like "Oh, that's cool. Haven't seen her in a while." They go off to protect her. Blah blah blah.

Zam Wessell is up first to try and kill Padme. She fails, and this time Jango doesn't kill her with a stupid dart, because Jango is smarter than to leave footprints. Instead, Jango just blows her **** head off ("No disintegrations" am I right? Like father, like son).

Obi-wan and Anakin continue to protect Padme wherever she goes. At this time, we see that Chancellor Palpatine is growing with more power, and the Republic is becoming more of an empire as people who question him are suddenly detained as suspected Separatists. There are even rumors of communications being monitored. Padme is then met by a woman named Mon Mothma, who invites her to a special meeting over on Alderaan. So they all go to Alderaan to meet with two other very important members of the senate - Bail Organa and Admiral Ackbar. It is here that we are introduced to these major players of the Rebel Alliance whom we hardly saw in the original trilogy, as well as the great planet that was later blown up in Episode IV. Mon Mothma and the others express their concern over Palpatine's growing power, fearing a dictator. They trusted Padme being that she voted against Palpatine or whatever and had that awkward moment in Episode I where she went ahead with saving Naboo rather than listening to Palpatine. So it's assumed that Palpatine and Padme now have this awkward "I'm not talking to you" relationship ever since Episode I. The group vows that they would not allow Palpatine to hold onto his emergency powers for so long, and they try to get a petition and call more senators in and whatever.

Anakin finds himself flirting with Padme. Obi-wan senses this and is like "Dude, keep it in your pants." At this time, Jango Fett arrives and tries to kill Padme herself. He and Anakin try to subdue him, but holy sh*t, Jango is just really good for a not-Jedi guy. Then, it's revealed that Jango lured the Jedi away from Padme while he actually f*cking blows up the building that Padme is in. So with the job finished, he runs off, but Obi-wan throws a tracker on his ship.

Afterward, Padme is shown to still be alive in the rubble. Obi-wan orders Anakin to stay there while he goes off to follow Jango. He also advises him about his feelings towards Padme. Anakin gets bummed out at not joining Obi-wan to kick ass but now starts to feel more for Padme since she's hurt. So now we have an actual reason for them to get closer rather than have stupid picnics and ride dumb fat alien cows. Padme tries to show him that there are other ways to solve things aside from trying to be a hero. Rather than just fall head over heels for her like a giddy schoolboy, Anakin actually gets annoyed by her due to her political views. Anakin has a more positive view of Palpatine and doesn't believe he will do the galaxy any harm. Eventually, he warms up to her since she is understanding and very tough – considering she's still adamant about important senate sh*t after almost being blown to bits. We will also have a moment where Padme looks at Alderaan fondly and says that if she ever were to have a family, she'd raise it here.

What bothered me greatly about Attack of the Clones was how the Jedi use the clones when it's obvious that the clones were PROBABLY DEFINITELY made by the same people leading the Separatists through the Jango Fett connection. So let's take out that stupid Sifo-Dyas connection we never hear about again.

SO. Obi-wan doesn't actually know that Jango Fett is the host for the clones. In fact, Jango doesn't use his real name on Kamino – because why the f*ck would you do that? He'll just be Mr. McNormal Guy. The Kaminoans have no idea Jango is one of the galaxy's deadliest bounty hunters. They just think he's some really fit guy that Palpatine gave them as a host for the clones. Upon meeting Lama Su and Fett, Obi-wan is told that the clone army was created by Palpatine in response to the Separatist movement. He reports this to the council and we cut briefly here to see the Jedi Council react to this and approach Palpatine about it. Palpatine then, as Darth Sidious, contacts Jango and is like "DUDE. DON'T F*CK THIS UP. OBI-WAN IS RIGHT THERE. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I PAID YOU GOOD MONEY FOR THIS SH*T."

Jango then has an idea to throw Obi-wan off track, and this is after he finds the tracker Obi-wan laid on his ship. He actually attacks the clone facility in his Mandalorian armor to make it look like he's a terrorist for the Separatists. He messages Count Dooku that he will lure Obi-wan into Geonosis and so Dooku sets up a trap. Before leaving, Jango approaches Lama Su and request that he have one unaltered clone as a son. (The one problem I have with this storyline is how the Kaminoans and Obi-wan won't realize that Jango uses the same ship. But I'm sure something could be figured out to patch that up.)

Meanwhile, the plot with Anakin's dreams of his mother is the same and what happens in Tatooine is mostly the same. Except this time, this subplot would have been mentioned several times already by now – so it doesn't feel too sudden or contrived. It's clear that Anakin is so sensitive to the Force that he sees things all the time, and they sort of haunt him. Also, like Boo suggested, after Anakin finds out that his mother is probably going to die, he does the same "look out at the binary sunset" that his son later does.

However, after Anakin kills the Tusken Raiders, he doesn't tell Padme that he killed the children. He only tells her that he killed the raiding party in retaliation for the death of his mother. This will come back to hurt him in Episode III. Let's also not leave the Lars family so quickly. They barely had enough speaking roles and enough time to give us a sense of who they are. We'll get a glimpse of Owen being afraid of Anakin for what he supposedly did to the Tusken Raiders, and we are given a look into why he later shelters Luke from all this Jedi nonsense.

So Jango lures Obi-wan to Geonosis. He gets captured and meets Dooku. It doesn't make sense for Dooku to warn Obi-wan that the council is under the influence of a dark lord of the Sith. He completely acts like a Separatist as a cover. In fact, Dooku could pretend to be Darth Sidious and Obi-wan could even say, "So you're the phantom menace behind all this?" Before Obi-wan could be imprisoned, he sends a message showing the droid army and the Separatist leaders.

The Jedi Council hears of the droid army at Geonosis and Palpatine's like "I told you so. SEND IN THE CLONES!"

Anakin and Padme reach Geonosis. By the way, without the droids here, we don't have to endure that really bad, pointless scene where C-3PO gets his head kicked around the droid factory. Instead, it's just strictly Anakin and Padme kicking ass. Also, instead of some arena battle, Anakin, Obi-wan and Padme just find themselves at the center of the droid army.

So the Jedi and the clones come in and save them. Blah, blah, blah. I'm kind of split as to whether or not to have Jango Fett die. For now I won't because I have something cool in mind for Episode III. If it sounds too stupid, then we'll just have him die here and end it.

Instead of Yoda fighting Dooku, it's a tag-team of Obi-wan and Anakin vs. Dooku. Anakin fails and Obi-wan eliminates Dooku. Anakin gets frustrated at failing to kill Dooku. Being that Obi-wan was able to kill Darth Maul out of a passion for his apprentice, he isn't sure at first what to say to Anakin. He tells him he'll have his moment but at the same time warns him about the difference between killing out of judgment and killing out of vengeance.

I won't have Anakin and Padme marry by the end. In fact, maybe they won't ever have a secret marriage. I'd just have the movie end with the Jedi and Padme looking out at the clone army. It's revealed that despite Dooku being dead, the Separatists are still strong. The Imperial theme is playing and it all ends on a dreary note.

^RE: my step 2...

...fair enough. I suppose knowing how things end up doesn't diffuse any potential tension might arise--------hell, people are still making WWII movies even today, and I doubt anyone is thinking to themselves, 'gee, are the Allies going to win?' Heck, come to that, I find the real SW flicks engaging, even though I know how they end, because of the craft that went into them. Good things will always be good.

Still, though. The prequels' badness is amplified by the fact that they're a foregone conclusion. Like, take these nothing characters and their nothing story, told through the medium of obvious nothing CGI effects, and then multiply it by knowing the end already. It's like the platonian ideal of Audience Disinterest.